


Stop The Clocks

by Savageandwise



Category: Music RPF, Oasis (Band)
Genre: Angst, But that's not the point of the whole fic, Explicit Language, Gallaghercest | Liam Gallagher/Noel Gallagher Incest, M/M, Sexual Content, Sibling Incest, Watersports
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:08:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23402740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Savageandwise/pseuds/Savageandwise
Summary: Liam Gallagher @ liamgallagher December 17, 2017:I wanna say Happy Xmas to team NG it's been a great year thanks for everything looking forward to seeing you tmorrow AS YOU WERE LGx
Relationships: Liam Gallagher/Noel Gallagher
Comments: 61
Kudos: 80





	1. Leave It All Behind

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first chaptered fic in this fandom so naturally I'm a bit nervous.
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think!

By the time he got into his stride it had started to rain. It was only a few weeks after Christmas and people were still at home recovering from all the sweets and booze and drugs. Liam couldn't sleep most nights. His early morning runs were getting earlier and earlier, he'd go to bed with his trainers on if Debbie let him. There was something at the back of his head that had been there for days. Like a faint tickling at the back of the throat before the lurgy set in. He knew something was coming. Something massive.

He wasn't really pushing himself, just trying to keep a steady pace. He'd worn a hat but the rain was dripping under the collar of his jacket, and he was just considering packing it in, when he caught sight of something up ahead, just a stone's throw from the path over where kids sometimes played football when the weather was good. It shone silver through the rain, and as Liam came closer he could see it was the figure of a man standing under a grey umbrella. And just before he came close enough to see the man's face, he realised who it was. Because of course it was him. He'd recognise the lines of his body anywhere. Before he recognised himself in the mirror, he'd recognise him.

"Noel."

He looked up, scuffed his shoe at a tuft of grass. Liam could tell from the look on his face he was in a mood. He hadn't witnessed one of his brother's moods in the flesh in years, but some things you never unlearn. The set of his mouth, the flash of his blue eyes, the tightening of muscle beneath his skin.

"Took your sweet time, didn't you?" Noel said.

Liam reached up to wipe the rainwater from his face with his sleeve, hung his head between his knees a moment till he caught his breath. He looked up again. Noel was real. He hadn't imagined him.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did we have a date?" Liam asked with a touch of hostility he didn't quite feel. "Where are you taking me? Some French cuisine? Maybe the opera? Do I have time to put on me party dress and heels? Put me curlers in?"

He made a little twirling gesture near his ear to emphasise. He'd promised himself if he was ever stood face to face with Noel he'd be nice, he'd make amends. Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

"I heard about your tweet, didn't I? The one about us reconciling," Noel said plainly.

"Yeah? And? You seemed up for it and all. Until you weren't no more."

Noel stared at him incredulously from underneath his umbrella, his brows almost touching his hairline.

"Up for it? You texted 'Happy Christmas', so I wrote back 'You too'. I'd hardly call that a fucking heart to heart."

Liam shrugged, crossed his arms over his chest. "You're remembering it wrong. It was more than just 'Happy Christmas'."

He couldn't exactly remember their last conversation. He'd definitely been a bit pickled. What he could remember, however, was how normal it had seemed. Like nothing had ever come between them. He remembered feeling like everything was going to be okay.

"Do you want me to prove it?" Noel asked, whipping out his phone. "I can show you the fucking text." 

Liam turned away childishly, refusing to look at the display. "How does that prove it?" he asked. "You'll have deleted it all, won't you?"

"Just look! No calls, nothing! You made it up to get the parka monkeys talking!" Noel insisted, waving the phone under his nose until, quick as a flash, Liam slapped it right out of his hand. 

"Oh, fucking great. Great. You haven't changed a bit, have you? You big dumb cunt," Noel said angrily.

He bent to pick up the phone, but Liam kicked it out of the way, letting out a little crowing sound like they were kids again, playing football. Noel dropped his umbrella and rushed at his brother, rammed his head into his gut with a grunt. Liam lost his balance and fell backwards into the grass, grabbing the front of Noel's jacket and dragging him down with him. They struggled for a moment as Noel pulled Liam's hat off and pushed his head down into the wet grass and ground it into the mud. Liam laughed, hoarse, breathless, biding his time before rolling over abruptly, pinning his brother to the ground. The rain was coming down in sheets now. Noel's face was bright red, his eyes screaming bloody murder.

"Get off me!" Noel shouted.

"No."

"Get the fuck off me!"

"Tell the truth for once in your life," Liam said.

Noel's clothes were splattered with mud. His jacket had ridden up and Liam could see the pale stretch of his stomach. His anger flared abruptly. Showing off his gym body, he thought. He pulled out a clump of grass and earth and mashed it into Noel's furious face.

"You're a fucking lunatic!" Noel spat. He screwed his eyes shut, there was dirt in his eyebrows, in his lashes, slick brown sludge in the lines of his face. He looked fucking ridiculous. 

"Say it! Say it, Noel. We were going to meet up at Mam's the next day. Like proper family. We were! Say it!" Liam pleaded. 

He grabbed a double handful of Noel's jacket and shook him hard, pressed his shoulders into the grass.

"Just let me up!" Noel gasped, kicking his legs and pushing against Liam futilely.

"Say it, Noel!" Liam said insistently. 

"Let me up, I can't fucking breathe!" Noel gasped.

Liam rolled off him and clambered to his feet. "It's true. You know, I remember," he said weakly.

"Liam," Noel said, wiping the sludge and bits of grass from his face. There was a stunned quality to Noel's voice. Like he was too tired to be angry. 

His name just hung there in the air for a moment while the rain came down around them, Noel on his back and Liam towering over him. Then he reached down and offered Noel his hand. Noel's expensive watch glinted silver in the dull light as he took Liam's hand and stumbled to his feet. Liam gave him a little tug and he fell into his arms, stiff as a board, holding his breath. Liam pulled him closer, put his hand on the back of his neck where his hair and collar were soaked, his skin clammy. It felt like coming home after months on tour. Like that first drag on a cigarette when you first wake up and you'd been jonesing for that nicotine blast.

"You dickhead," Liam muttered, smoothing the filthy hair with his fingers.

Noel let out a weak laugh, relaxed a fraction in his arms. He could feel his breath warm against his jaw. Something squirmed in Liam's stomach, something buried under all the years of resentment, half forgotten. He let go of his brother abruptly, and just before Noel turned to retrieve his phone, he caught a flash of alarm in his eyes. It was clear to him that Noel felt it too, that awful, magnificent, magnetic pull towards each other. What's more, it was obvious he'd been hoping it was done with, that years apart had somehow changed things between them. Well, they hadn't.

"That's broken, that," Noel said, making a big show of trying to wipe the display of his phone with a clean bit of shirt sleeve. He looked up at Liam and then back down again. His lips were trembling from cold or emotion, Liam couldn't tell which.

"Come along to mine, get cleaned up," Liam said after a moment. "How did you even get here?"

Noel still had his eyes on his phone, futilely swiping at the screen. Liam retrieved the discarded umbrella and shook the grass and dirt from it.

"Noel, come on. Let's go to mine before someone puts us on Twitter looking like two hooligans."

Eventually Noel put the phone in his pocket and took the umbrella from him. They walked side by side for a while in complete silence until Liam noticed Noel had moved a bit closer in order to share the umbrella. Liam's hair was sopping wet at this point, plastered to his face. He'd left his hat in the grass somewhere. He bent his head gratefully and tried to match his brother's stride.

"Didn't you bother to check the weather before you left home?" Noel said at last.

"Didn't think it would get this bad," Liam admitted.

"You've always been so prone to sore throat and the like, right? Amazed Debbie let you off the leash. Or did you just give her the slip?"

"Debbie's busy this week," Liam said evasively. "What about your missus, then? What did you tell her?" 

Noel didn't answer, just trudged along in silence, his shoes squelching a bit as he did.

"You didn't tell her you've gone to see me, did you? Noel?"

"Do you run every day?" Noel asked as if he hadn't even heard Liam's question.

"Most days," Liam said shortly. "How about you, then? Got one of them personal trainers?"

"Gym. That and clean living."

"Right," Liam said, rolling his eyes.

"You know, no greasy food. Steamed veg. Cardio and weights," Noel went on. He sounded like a right ponce. 

"Easy now, this ain't an interview with _Vogue_. I was just being polite," Liam said sullenly.

"That'll be the day."

For a moment Liam allowed himself to think of Noel's flat stomach—the product of all that poncing about at the gym—that narrow strip of white skin, the dark stripe of hair that stretched from his navel downward. Then he stifled the image hastily, dragged his attention back to reality. 

Noel slipped a bit on the wet pavement, put his hand out as if to grab on to Liam's arm. Of course he didn't in the end, the stubborn cunt. Liam put his hand on Noel's elbow to steady him anyway, and although he could feel him tense up, he didn't pull away. Baby steps.

"Almost there," he assured Noel. "Then I'll put the kettle on. There's no one in. It's just us."

"Good," Noel said. Liam wasn't sure how he managed to make that short word mean the complete opposite. 

When they got to the house, Liam pulled his key out of his pocket and unlocked the door. He was surprised they made it back without encountering anyone. If he left his run too late he'd sometimes spend ages signing bits of paper and taking selfies, depending on his mood. Thank God for the rain. He'd left the Christmas lights up round the front of the house and in the garden, and Noel stopped for a moment to stare at them, pursed his lips in disbelief. Noel shook the water from his umbrella and left it open to dry in the hall. Then he removed his shoes and jacket. 

"Bad luck, that," Liam remarked, pointing to the umbrella. 

"Better luck than ruining my umbrella. Where's Debbie? She get tired of picking up after you like a fucking minder?" Noel asked.

Liam shrugged, kicked his trainers off. "Debbie is doing great, thanks for asking. How's your Sara? Got the poolboy for company? While you're here flirting with me?"

Noel made a sound in the back of his throat like he was going to spit, his brows knitted together, and then all at once he composed himself. It was like watching your dog walk on two legs. "How about that brew before I catch me death?" 

Liam pulled off his jacket and hung it up and pulled off his socks and draped them over the radiator. His tracksuit bottoms were filthy and wet too, but something made him pause before removing them. Maybe the way he could feel Noel's eyes on his body. The attention was disconcerting. Funny, really, he'd spent his whole life trying to get and hold Noel's attention. Now that he had it, it made him feel awkward and stupid, like a great dumb lump of a man. And there was Noel, covered from head to toe in dirt and grass stains, calmly removing his damp socks and looking around the house appraisingly. He looked fucking perfect.

Liam filled the kettle, flicked the switch to turn the cooker on and then rummaged in the cupboards for the tea bags. Behind the box of lemon and ginger for his throat was the Yorkshire Gold. He set out the cups and milk, hesitated over the sugar.

"Do you still take sugar? Or have you given up? Along with red meat, fags, drugs and non-procreational sex," Liam smirked.

Noel had seated himself at the kitchen table and was studying the bowl of fruit Debbie had placed there: green apples, grapes and mangoes and something that looked like a hairless kiwi fruit. Sometimes she made smoothies if the fruit wasn't spoiled by then.

"Sugar's fine," Noel said calmly.

Liam eyed him cautiously. "Why are you being so fucking mild-mannered?"

"Common courtesy, Liam." 

"Come off it. You don't even know how to spell that word."

"Why are you being such a dick, you dick?" Noel asked. He picked up an apple and bounced it in his palm like he was contemplating biting into it or lobbing it at Liam's head. He took a deep breath before speaking again. "You know how many text messages you left me this week alone? Twenty seven. Drunken voicemails this month? Twelve. I'm still not sure who gave you my number. But if I ever find out, I'll fucking decapitate them. I don't know how many times you took to Twitter to call me a potato and I don't care to know. A few weeks ago you left me a message begging, begging, Liam—in tears—begging me to talk to you. So, here I am. This is your big chance, don't fuck it up." He set the apple back down again like he was making a point.

Liam poured the boiling water into the cups and set the kettle back down on the hob. He found a packet of biscuits and attempted to rip it open. Noel rescued it right before he could savage the silvery foil with his teeth. He set the packet down on the table. Anaïs had given him the number. He hadn't even had to push her hard.

"Just don't send him dick pics, yeah? He hates that," she'd laughed.

He'd had it for months but Noel hadn't bothered to change it, it seemed. That was certainly intriguing.

"I dunno why," Liam said after a good long time. "I told myself, if you ever showed up on me doorstep, right? If I ever got you alone, I'd show you things were different…" 

"Then what happened?" Noel asked. He pulled out the tea bags and poured a bit of milk into each cup. 

Liam shrugged. "Guess what always happens when you and me are alone, you know?"

He accepted the cup Noel was holding out to him and took a sip of tea. "Seems like we should be drinking summat stronger."

"What happens when we're alone, do you reckon?" Noel asked him.

"You know," Liam said.

Noel hesitated a moment before taking a biscuit. "Tell me."

Liam sucked in his breath. "You know. Fighting." Or fucking. He couldn't bring himself to say the word out loud and his own restraint shocked him.

"Some things never change," Noel said quietly. He had a piece of silver biscuit foil in his hands and was folding it over and over like he was building a paper airplane. The light from the kitchen lamp reflected off it.

"Guess so," Liam said, squinting.

He tried to remember the last time they were truly alone and he reckoned it must have been right before that last big fight in Paris, when he smashed up Noel's guitar. It was also the first time in a long time they had been stone-cold sober when it happened. He recalled a sense of urgency, sharp as a knife in the gut. A desire to do anything and everything at once. He remembered thinking to himself over and over again as they touched: if I can't have this I'll die. If I can't have you I'll die. Like the chorus in some pathetic love song. Even though it wasn't generally his style to be so fucking morbid. Like he somehow knew this was going to be the last time. Well, he hadn't died, as it turned out. But he hadn't been alive, either.

"Good brew, this," Noel said. 

"Fucking," Liam said all at once.

"Pardon?" 

"Fighting or fucking," Liam said. "That's what happens when we're alone." 

He downed the rest of his tea before he could say anything else, stuffed a biscuit in his mouth for good measure. Noel put his hands flat on the table, like he was demonstrating that he was unarmed. Liam could see how clean his nails were, how well cared for. His own nails looked pretty good too, Debbie made sure of it.

"Yes," Noel said calmly. He looked straight into Liam's eyes, didn't even blink.

"I had a bit of time to think about it, right? A bit of time to figure out why it was you had to leave like that. And it weren't just...oh, Liam's mental. You know, anyone would have kicked it to the curb. And it weren't your smashed up guitar. Or mine...you always forget that part when you tell it. It was the fucking," Liam said, the words spilling out of his mouth like so many marbles.

Noel made a sound of disagreement and pushed back his chair like maybe he was going to split. His dark brows were stark in his paper-white face. 

"That's what it was. But let me tell you, brother. There was two of us involved in that. Not just me. And if that was the reason, why didn't you just say so? Instead of making this about...I don't even know what it was about…"

"I did!" Noel did stand now, hunched his shoulders forward like he hoped to appear more menacing. "I...you never listened! Every time I tried to talk sense you'd go on the lash. You'd get arrested. Lose your fucking teeth or get some chick pregnant."

"So that was it?" Liam asked earnestly. "The fucking? Was that all and all? And you...and you couldn't be bothered...you couldn't be bothered to explain yourself, like."

"That's enough. That's well more than enough. It's like you said, right? It's no good thinking things could be different. Cause we can't help ourselves. You can't, anyway," Noel said in a resigned manner.

"I can't," Liam said sharply.

"Yes."

" _I_ can't." He raised his voice so he was almost shouting.

"That's what I said."

"Alright, then," Liam said, kicking back his chair and jumping to his feet. He pushed the kitchen table out of the way, upsetting the teacups and biscuits and the stainless steel bowl full of fruit no one was going to eat anyway. 

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Noel exclaimed, backing away.

"If I can't help meself, right? Right? If I can't help meself…" Liam stuttered.

He reached forward to grab the front of Noel's shirt, pulled in close, then put his hands to either side of his brother's head, fingers curling in his hair. It was mostly dry now but filthy. Dirty water had left dull brown tracks down Noel's face, in the smile lines at the corners of his eyes and the tiny wrinkles that surrounded his lips. Liam thought he must look a similar mess. Noel was frozen in place, he didn't try to pull away or speak. Finally, as Liam started to lean in, Noel bridged the gap between them and covered Liam's mouth with his own. He cursed under his breath and then exhaled explosively, breathed in and then kissed Liam again, as if the first time had been a trial run and this was it for real now. Noel's tongue was still overly warm from the tea, he could taste the chocolate biscuits they had both eaten. Liam was expecting Noel's conscience to kick in at any moment. Any second now he was going to back away and say this was precisely what he had hoped to avoid. But he didn't. Instead, he let out a sound somewhere between a moan and a groan of frustration and pulled Liam closer, kissed him again and again, eyes closed. When they broke apart, Liam could see traces of mud on the thin skin of his eyelids. 

"Who can't help himself?" Liam asked hoarsely.

"Ah, fuck," Noel murmured.

"It's alright."

"Ah, fuck, Liam." 

Noel sounded so tortured it made his heart ache. He dropped his hand, caressed Noel's neck soothingly. He shivered under his touch.

"D'you want to walk out the door? Pretend it never happened? It's okay if you do, you know. You can leave," Liam said quietly.

"No, I don't want to leave," Noel said crossly. "Is that what you want? Where's Debbie, Liam? Expecting her, are you? Is that why you want me to leave?"

Fuck, if Noel didn't always twist everything up and turn it into something else entirely. When all he wanted was to give him an out.

"Debbie ain't in till Monday. That's in three days. Three days, just you and me. No one's going to walk in on us. That what you need to hear?" Liam said belligerently.

"In that case," Noel said, with a little sigh, "we're going to need a shower. We're filthy."

Liam laughed out loud and, grabbing hold of his brother's chin, planted another kiss on his grimacing mouth.

"Shower's broken, it'll have to be a bath," Liam said apologetically.

Noel rolled his eyes. "Bath it is," he said dramatically.

In the bathroom Noel drew a bath, testing the water with his wrist. He poured in a dollop of Debbie's fancy bubble bath. Then he walked to the fancy mirror to inspect his muddy face. Liam watched him wash it for a moment and then went to fetch a couple of bath towels from the cupboard in the hall, sky blue and large enough to build a tent with. He set the towels down beside the sink just as Noel was turning off the water and looking around for something to dry off with. Liam stuck his head in the bedroom to check if everything was in order, then wandered back to the bathroom. Noel was inspecting Debbie's skin care products. He opened a bottle and sniffed it, then screwed it shut again and set it aside. After a moment's consideration, Liam lit the fat scented candle that sat by the frosted window. The label said it smelled of white tea, fig leaf and basil. Liam wasn't sure about that, but it did smell nice. It smelled like it cost a lot of money. The tub was full enough now, the bubbles so high they were obnoxious. 

Noel caught his eyes for a moment, gave him a half-smile and then got to work removing his clothing. Liam lifted the front of his shirt and then let his hands drop. He hadn't been naked in front of Noel in years and years. 

"Changed me mind," he said softly. 

Noel stared at him a good long while and then deliberately pulled down his jeans and underpants. Liam allowed himself a quick glance at his brother's body before he looked down at the floor. His heart skipped a beat.

"Come here," Noel said firmly. 

Liam found his feet complying long before his head made the decision to obey. He lifted his arms and let Noel pull off his hoodie and T-shirt just like he did when they were kids. He let him remove his trackie bottoms. Noel looked up into his eyes a moment before sliding his boxers down. That part was different. Decidedly, exhilaratingly grown up. He moved his hands over Liam's skin like he was a blind man reading some secret message written there. Like he was reclaiming something lost long ago. Because he was. Noel tugged his hand gently, drew him nearer to the bathtub.

"Is it too hot for you?" he asked, taking Liam's hand and pouring a handful of water over the back of it. He remembered him doing it just like that years ago, when their hands were smaller.

Liam shook his head, he risked another glance at Noel. There was more white in his chest hair and among his pubes. His knee was pressing against Liam's. He put his hand on it and slid it upwards and then back down again. He was still Noel, but somehow harder, somehow less real. Something silver gleamed around his neck, and Liam realised it was the same chain he'd worn in the 90s. He hadn't seen it in years. He had a distinct memory of the shape of those links beneath his tongue.

"Since when are you so shy?" Noel asked. "Time was, you'd be on me like a rash before I could even get your belt undone."

Liam shrugged. "Maybe I've gone off you," he said, raising his brows. 

"Not a fucking chance." 

That's what was so infuriatingly attractive about the man. His overdeveloped sense of importance. "How're we doing this? Rock, paper, scissors for who goes first and who gets to bathe in the soup?" Liam asked.

"We both get in, what do you think?" Noel said, making a face like it should have been obvious to Liam. But nothing was obvious to him anymore. 

Noel swung his legs over the edge of the tub and sat down in the soapy water. It was a very large tub, Liam had had baths with Debbie in it during the early days. It hadn't been terribly romantic in Liam's honest opinion. You're just sat in the lukewarm drink with your knees and tits getting cold and your fingers getting wrinkly and there wasn't even enough room to fuck properly. 

"I don't think we'll both fit, you know. We'll need an extra bath just for your ego," Liam pointed out.

"Fuck you," Noel said tartly. "Get in."

Liam climbed in slowly and sat down. Noel had chosen the side away from the faucet naturally and Liam had to hunch over so it didn't dig into his back. They just about fit if they didn't move too much.

"Turn round, you cunt. How am I supposed to wash your back? Turn...fuck's sake, it's like I'm ten again. And Mam's on me to make sure you don't drink the shampoo."

Liam stood again and turned carefully, still managing to dump what felt like half the water onto the tiled floor. Noel let out a sigh of exasperation. 

"Look, Chief. This were your bright idea, right? We could have just washed up separate, like," Liam said, sitting down between Noel's legs.

He settled against Noel's chest and put his hands on his feet, stroked his left instep with his thumb.

"Close your eyes, I'm going to get your hair wet," Noel said. Liam shut his eyes tight as Noel scooped a handful of water over his head and then another. 

"I wasn't ever gonna drink the shampoo, you know," Liam confessed. "I just liked it better when you washed me hair."

"I know," he said and smoothed Liam's wet hair back, slid his hands down over his neck and shoulders, his slick fingers caressing his collar bone. Liam could feel the erratic rise and fall of Noel's chest beneath his back. His stomach clenched, his skin prickled with delight and anticipation. Noel's dick stiffened against Liam's backside. He'd nearly forgotten that feeling. That heady feeling of power, to know he could make it happen. He could excite his brother to the point where he'd be willing to throw all reason, all propriety with the proverbial bathwater.

"When you were ten you didn't have that massive hard on when we had a bath," Liam remarked with a crude little laugh. He pushed back against Noel's cock a bit, causing more water to spill on the floor.

"It is impressive, isn't it?" Noel blustered, sliding his hand down Liam's stomach. His thumb circled Liam's navel, his breath loud in Liam's ear, and he couldn't help shiver with want.

"Feels about the same to me," Liam said as casually as he could manage. "Why? You get one of them penis pumps?"

Noel laughed under his breath. That breathy explosion that always made Liam squirm with glee. 

"Yes. It's fabulous, it is. Triple the size it used to be. Just wait till I'm shoving it up your arse," Noel said, reaching down under the water between them to adjust himself. "You won't walk for a week."

"Hang on there, hang on there, maybe I'm the one giving it to you," Liam said indignantly.

"Definitely not. No," Noel said, pulling his foot out of Liam's grasp. "Since when?"

Liam tilted his head back so he could see Noel's expression without turning around. His face was splotchy with either rage or lust. Or maybe both at the same time. That had always been Liam's favourite cocktail.

"Since loads of times! You fucking loved it," Liam said. He shifted his head to the side, licked Noel's nipple. "You nipple."

Noel shuddered, let out a low keening sound and moved his fingers to cradle Liam's balls.

"You loved it," Liam repeated, holding back a gasp.

"You got beat on the head one too many times, my son. Never happened," Noel said. He shook his head a little too vehemently.

Liam was so hard it was driving him crazy. He wasn't going to touch himself, though. He'd just wait until Noel did. He put his hands on his knees to restrain himself.

"It happened, man. I was there. You wept tears of joy," he insisted, wriggling against Noel. 

"Never happened."

"Suit yourself. Your loss. I'm happy either way," Liam said.

For a while they just sat like that, not moving, their breath in sync, Liam willing Noel to grab his dick with every fibre in his being.

"Say something," Liam said at last. "You're too quiet, like." It was never good news when Noel went quiet like that.

"Fuck," Noel said. "I'm dying for a piss."

Liam laughed out loud, smacked his hand down on the surface of the tub, splashing them both soundly. "Well, try and hold it, lad. You won't be able to go anyway with your cock in that state!"

He removed the hand cradling Liam's balls. Liam couldn't keep the little sound of disappointment in, eliciting a smug chuckle from Noel. He never knew with Noel if he was pulling away temporarily or for-fucking-ever.

"You never did, hold it, I mean. When we were kids. I'd make you go before, but it's like you'd keep some back on purpose," Noel said thoughtfully. He ran a hand up Liam's arm, over his shoulders, curled his fingers in the hair at his nape.

"Maybe I did," Liam said with a smirk. "What's a little urination between brothers?"

Noel flicked at Liam's ear with his finger. "Cunt." 

Liam turned to face Noel, floundered for a moment like a beached whale before banging his hip on the faucet. He cursed under his breath and then sat down abruptly before he could lose his balance.

"You're not still holding a grudge cause I pissed on your…?" he began, stretching his legs out. 

"...My brand new stereo?" Noel finished, interrupting him. He reached under water to pinch the inside of Liam's thigh.

"That hurt!" Liam roared, splashing water into Noel's face with a flick of his hand.

"Good!" Noel roared back, spluttering.

"How many times do I have to apologise for that?" Liam asked, ignoring the way Noel rolled his eyes at him. "It was ages ago."

"You never apologised, though, did you? Not once! You said, 'Better that than in your mouth'," Noel said crossly.

"And so it is! Imagine if I'd pissed in your mouth the world would never have experienced the magnificence that was Oasis. You must have bought a hundred new sound systems in the meantime. I don't know what you're still crying about, man." Liam shrugged. 

"It's the principle, Liam. You're a dog that hasn't been properly house-trained! It's all fun and games till you...you...chew up me new trainers, piss on me favourite guitar or bite someone's bratty kid!"

"Steady on…" Liam protested. "I wouldn't bite anyone didn't ask for it first." His shoulders were getting cold and he slid under the water to warm them. His legs were exposed now.

"Me! You fucking bit me! The fucking hand that fed you!" Noel exclaimed, folding his arms over his chest.

"You fucking asked for it, baby!" 

He ducked his head underwater for a moment, blocking out the sound of Noel's rant.

"...any idea how I felt? Building up everything we had and watching you shit on it!" 

Liam's ears were blocked and he held his nose and blew out before replying, smirked slyly at his brother who seemed to be working himself into a state of agitation.

"Are we talking shit or piss here? Cause I only shat in the tub once but I think you quite liked it."

"Will you be serious?" Noel said, his voice high and thin with anger. "This is why we can't be mates. This is why I can't stand talking to you for longer than, oh, I don't know...five minutes! This is why..."

"Calm down…" Liam interjected.

"...you always ruin everything."

He reached over to touch Noel's knee, and then seeing that cold flash in his eyes, thought better of it and let his hand drop.

"Look, Noel...I am sorry about your stereo," he said quietly. "I'm...I was a dumb kid, me. And I'm sorry for shitting on your hard work. But you can't act like it was all my doing."

"Can't I? Whose doing is it, then? Not mine! Not mine! You're all over me one minute, pissing on everything the next! I get whiplash trying to keep up," Noel cried.

"You're the one who...You're an unforgiving fucker, that's what you are. I'm fucking trying!"

"Potato," Noel said.

"Come on. I'm trying! But you're always fucking ignoring me, you!" Liam cried. 

"Potato."

There was always a breaking point with Noel. A point in which Liam had to give in and admit defeat or punch him in the fucking mouth. Because it wasn't like Noel was ever going to give in. Even when he seemed to give in he made you pay with interest. And Liam couldn't afford to punch him today. Not when all he wanted to do was kiss him again.

"Alright...alright. I'm sorry I wrote that. And I'm sorry I'm a crazy cunt. And your stereo and all…Why don't you...Why don't you call me potato? Why don't you...Why don't you piss on my sound system? Why don't you…you can just piss on me, Noel. Just go on and do it!"

"Fuck this!" I can't believe I fell for your...you...this...again. I can't believe…" Noel exclaimed, standing up so fast it made Liam dizzy to watch him. He held onto Liam's shoulder, got ready to swing his leg over the side of the tub.

"I mean it! Sit down! Sit the fuck down before you break summat," Liam said insistently. He tugged at Noel's ankle gently. "Just piss on me, Noel, right on me fucking head. It'll make you feel better!"

Noel sighed, sank back down into the water, stretched out his legs to either side of Liam. His right arm flopped over the edge of the tub in resignation.

"I think you're worse than you ever were, you know," Noel said exasperatedly. "That's it. You've finally gone all the way round the fucking bend."

Liam leaned forward so that their noses were almost touching, and Noel angled his head away. 

"No...think about it...really think about it, man. Isn't that what you've always wanted? Well, I'm saying go ahead. I won't stop you. You earned it fair and square."

"Maybe you're the one who's always wanted it," Noel said suspiciously.

"Not me," Liam said lightly. "Seems like _you_ might enjoy it, you know what I mean?"

"Me? You think I enjoy that sort of thing, do you? You think I'm some kind of deviant?" Noel spat.

"Well," Liam said slowly. 

"Don't answer that. Nevermind." 

"It's not exactly...No, I don't. But it's not exactly normal, innit? To...um...with your brother...It's just how we are." Liam shrugged.

"You want me to piss on your head. You wouldn't even let me come on your fucking chest. But you want me to piss on you."

Liam tried to remember when that even came up. He was struck by an image of Noel, sitting on his knees and wanking furiously while he lay flat on his back looking up at him. 

"You're not shooting your load on me, yeah?" Liam had protested.

"On your stomach."

"No."

"On your chest, fuck!" Noel had gasped.

"No."

He'd shoved his dick right in Liam's mouth just in the nick of time. Liam had swallowed every drop. 

"Don't like that sticky stuff in me chest hair. You should piss on me. You need to do it. I know it," Liam said firmly.

"If you're so clever and you know what I want then why don't you ever do as I tell you?" Noel asked, with a childish pout.

"Want and need, two entirely different things," Liam explained.

Noel sucked in his breath and then let it out again resignedly.

"Right. I do this, yeah...I do this...And you never tell another living soul. You...I'll fucking annihilate you."

Liam laughed out loud. "Who would I tell? Who'd believe me?"

"Fucking Twitter. You'd tell your fucking parka monkeys," Noel said, stabbing his finger at the air in front of Liam. 

"Come off it. They'd never believe me."

He grabbed hold of Noel's finger, stroked it like he was jerking it off. 

"Remember when you told everyone at Earl's Court we'd had sex?" Noel asked, slapping his hand away and flipping him the two-fingered salute.

"That's my fucking point. Who believed me? No one. Look, if it makes you feel better I already pissed on you once. And I don't mean in the tub when we were small, neither. On a tour bus I don't know where and I was proper drunk and couldn't hold onto the bottle. Remember?"

The bog on the bus had been clogged with vomit. Everyone was pissing in coke bottles. Noel had been asleep, his head almost touching Liam's shoulder. He'd opened his eyes and for a moment forgot to be angry. He took the bottle from Liam gently, put his other hand on Liam's hip to steady him. There was so much tenderness in his actions. As drunk as he'd been, Liam remembered that much, that patient expression on his brother's face even when he pissed all over his hand.

"Christ, I had to hold it for you and of course you got it all over my fucking hands," Noel said, leaned his head back against the rim of the tub and sighed wearily. "Fucking typical."

Liam shrugged. "Hard to aim." 

"At least you didn't make me hold your dick for you," Noel sighed.

"You had enough practice. What difference would it have made?"

"I would have aimed it in the bottle," Noel said. 

"There you go," Liam said.

"It wouldn't be fair and square, you know," Noel pointed out. "Fair and square would be in your stupid mouth. That would shut you up."

"It would at that," Liam said. He drew his knees up to his chest, ignoring the temptation to graze Noel's cock with his toes. "But if you get it in me mouth, right? Would you still kiss me? Cause...well, I suppose it's your own piss. So…"

Liam fell silent a moment, trying to imagine what it might feel like to be pissed on by Noel. He leaned his head against the wall and stared at his brother intently. It couldn't be bad, he decided. This was Noel. No matter how bad things were between them, they'd never quite lost that strange trust that comes with physical intimacy. Noel could ask for anything and he knew he'd do it. 

"Oh, my God," Noel said. "You're being serious." His voice was stretched thin. He leaned forward to grasp Liam's knees. "You crazy fucker." 

His eyes were wide and a little mental, like he was on something. And all at once Liam realised that Noel was stark raving mad for it.

"Go on," Liam urged him, lifting his chin and shutting his eyes tight.

At first he couldn't hear a thing, just the sound of the faucet leaking and Noel's breath and his own. Then the sound of Noel standing up, the water dripping from his body. Liam held his breath, his stomach was tying knots in itself. For a good long while he listened to Noel breathe, anticipated the warm stream.

"I don't think I can go," Noel said at last.

Liam swallowed down a bark of laughter and opened his eyes. Noel was standing over him, holding his dick in his hand with a bemused expression on his face.

"Sure you can. It's only me, innit? Haven't you gone a million times in front of me? Forty five years of pissing in my line of sight...well, give or take," Liam said in what he hoped was a reassuring manner.

"But never...never...on you. Never like...this," Noel stuttered. 

His cheeks were very red, his brow creased with worry lines. He looked so very serious. Like he was giving it all the concentration he could muster. Even before playing their most famous venues, Liam had never seen Noel look like he was concentrating this hard. It was downright exciting. Noel rolled his eyes and looked up at the ceiling, then he shut them, chewed on his bottom lip. It got Liam rock hard in an instant.

"Don't think about it so hard. Just fucking do it," he said. "Look at the state of me!" He gestured towards his dick.

Noel looked down at Liam, let out a hiccup of nervous laughter and released a dribble of piss into the water and then another small dribble.

"Come on! Go on!" Liam shouted, like it was a fucking football game just as a stream of Noel's piss hit him square in his left ear. 

Noel let out a long, loud groan of relief, aimed again and managed to hit Liam's shoulder. He laughed giddily as Liam raised his hands in mock defense. He sprayed a steady stream across Liam's chest like he was signing him. Liam clamped his mouth shut and raised his chin. It seemed to take fucking ages until it slowed. Then Noel shook his dick like he was standing in front of a pissoir, and they just stared at each other, Noel still clutching his dick and Liam blinking in shock.

"Well," Noel said. "I guess we can't say we never tried that anymore."

"Right," Liam replied, dazed. "Fucking hell." 

He gestured towards his brother's crotch. Noel's cock was now hard as a rock in his fist. Liam grinned. 

"Someone enjoyed that, I'd say."

"It was alright," Noel shrugged nonchalantly, a slow smile spread over his face.

"My fucking ear, though, Noel, right in the fucking ear!" 

"You said go ahead!" Noel said. "You said go on and do it!"

"I didn't mean shoot me in the earhole! I've tinnitus as it is, I'll probably go deaf!" Liam roared.

Noel got to his knees in the tub. "Ah, you never listened anyway! No loss!" he giggled. "It's fucking hard work, it is! I was aiming for your mouth!"

"Better luck next time, eh?" Liam started to laugh so hard his chest hurt, which only made Noel laugh harder. Every time one of them started to calm down the other would set him off again. Noel leaned over to release the drain, his body colliding with Liam's, and Liam's arms came up around him, crushing him close. Noel turned on the tap, let the water flow.

"God," he murmured. "Let's get you cleaned up first."

Liam laughed, he put his mouth on his brother's neck, sucked gently. "I know. Rank, isn't it?"

Noel fumbled for the shampoo, managed to get some in Liam's hair while Liam reached for the body wash. 

"Don't get it in my eyes," Liam said. He closed his eyes, slicked the body wash over Noel's skin blindly. He curled his hand around Noel's stiff cock, stroked it sloppily. Noel groaned out loud, poured a handful of water over Liam's head and then another. Then he pressed his mouth to Liam's, moaned against his closed lips until he opened his mouth and slipped his tongue against Noel's, tasted the faint bitterness of designer shampoo.

Noel's breath was coming in gasps. He angled his hips hard against Liam's hand and Liam slid to the bottom of the empty tub, Noel on top of him. 

"We should rinse off before we do ourselves an injury," Liam said, rubbing himself against Noel as best he could. Noel's elbow hit him in the side but he was too turned on to even feel the pain properly.

"You do my hair," Noel said, still pushing himself into Liam's fist. 

"Do your...do your...d'you wanna stop?" Liam asked. 

"No. Yeah, yeah stop. God...just hurry, get cleaned off," Noel groaned. 

It took a furious amount of self control to stop, and Liam had never been good at self control. He washed Noel's hair quickly, mopping the suds from his brother's face with his hand as he might have done for his boys when they were small. They rinsed off as best they could, feverish with impatience. Then they staggered out of the tub, dripping wet, and sank down onto the soaked bath mat, self control having run its course. They grappled with each other, limbs entwined. Liam slid his hands up Noel's chest, up to his throat, tangled his fingers in the thick silver chain he wore around his neck. He kissed Noel's jaw open-mouthed. Noel's hand found his dick, he grasped it firmly, pressed his mouth against Liam's ear and sighed.

"Fuck it," he breathed. "Ah, fuck it. I can't wait anymore."


	2. Let Your Love Lay Me Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam and Noel Gallagher's lost weekend continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Twinka, my love. My brain was pretty dead in the end but you got it out of me with patience and perseverance. Thanks for the touching sunshine line. I love it.
> 
> Thank you to everyone reading this! Please comment and let me know what you think! These days i live for comments on ao3 and Liam's tweets. 
> 
> Yes, I ate Pot Noodles in order to write this chapter. I'm a method writer.

The tiles were cold and slippery, their bodies were slick with bathwater. Liam smoothed back Noel's wet hair with one hand. The expression on his face was so raw, so hopeless, it took Liam's breath away. He'd seen that look for the last time in Paris just before it all went to hell. That night, for the first time in forever, Liam had seen things plain as day in Noel's eyes: familiarity, tenderness, naked desire. That last Liam would recognise anywhere. Hadn't people been looking at him like that ever since he hit puberty? But Noel was always so guarded. He'd always needed a magnifying glass to see the love. That night in Paris he'd discarded his defenses so thoroughly Liam had to look away.

"Come on," Liam murmured. "It's been what? Eight years? You'll last another minute."

He tugged on Noel's elbow, trying to pull him into an upright position, a difficult thing to do with Noel's fist wrapped around his cock. It felt so fucking good Liam couldn't believe he was trying to make him stop.

"The bed isn't far, you know. It'll take about half a minute to..."

Noel found Liam's mouth blindly, interrupted him with a kiss so desperate their teeth scraped against each other. He kissed him like he'd been starving all those years. It wasn't easy to untangle himself from his brother, not when part of him couldn't help thinking, fuck the bed. Fuck comfort. He wanted it now.

Liam had many memories of bathroom floors, of his shoulder blades pressing into the hard tiles as Noel hovered above him, the delicious urgency of locking themselves in some hotel bathroom just to have a moment alone. Liam's knees were killing him. They were too fucking old for this. He pulled away gently, took Noel by the shoulders and shook him once sharply.

"Up you get," he said with a little laugh. "I'll tuck you in, tell you a night-night story, yeah?"

Noel's eyes were unfocused but he stopped fighting him and stood shakily.

"It's not even noon yet," he pointed out.

"Never too early for a good night story, innit?"

"Does it have a happy end?" Noel asked after a moment.

Liam laughed. "Come along to bed and you'll find out."

They stumbled to the bedroom Liam shared with Debbie, not bothering to dry off. Liam rolled onto the mattress at once, Noel stood at the foot of the bed, leaned down and gripped the frame.

"What?" Liam asked softly. He wouldn't put it past Noel to change his mind five minutes to midnight.

"I'd forgotten…" Noel began and then crawled into bed. 

"I know," Liam said. He'd forgotten what it felt like, too. Like in his mind it was fucking fantastic. The best sex of his life. But that still didn't prepare him for the reality of Noel touching him. And it wasn't because Noel was such a great lover, either. He could be selfish and lazy. It was that gorgeous tug of war. The fact that neither of them ever wanted to give in made it that much sweeter when one of them eventually did.

"Better than drugs, eh?" Liam asked as Noel slid in beside him and put a hand on his chest.

"Better than...Better than playing live in front of a sold-out stadium," Noel sighed.

"That good, yeah?" 

"It'll do," Noel said. 

Then Liam kissed him. He kissed him as tenderly as he knew how, because the physical part was fantastic, but there were other parts he'd missed even more, and he wasn't sure how to say it without sounding pathetic. Noel rolled on top of him, put his hands on either side of Liam's face, stared at him in silence. Liam willed Noel to kiss him again, squirmed beneath him impatiently. He let out a frustrated growl, like a feral cat, and Noel rolled his eyes at him.

"You are fucking impossible, you know," he murmured at last, ran one hand down Liam's throat, fingernails scratching at his scruff. 

"So you keep telling me. Since the day I was born," Liam said. He wrapped his legs around Noel's waist and kissed him again, harder this time. 

"Have you thought about this?" Noel asked when they came up for air, his voice so tender it made Liam's heart ache. "Have you?" Noel repeated.

Liam rubbed his nose against Noel's neck, breathed in his familiar scent mixed with the perfume of Debbie's bubble bath. He felt his stomach flip. Why was Noel asking this now? Clearly he hadn't changed at all, still playing mind games. If Liam answered that he had, he'd likely mock him. If he said he hadn't ever thought of it, he'd say he was lying. 

"Have _you_?" Liam parroted. He slid a hand down Noel's side, ran his thumb along the sharp edge of his hip bone.

Noel didn't answer. He scraped his fingernails over Liam's nipples until he hissed with pleasure.

"You have," Noel breathed, gasping as Liam wrapped his hand around his dick. "You fucking missed it."

Liam slid his hand over Noel's cock so slowly, pensively, biding his time. Noel arched his back, his eyes fluttered shut. He looked like a cat being stroked.

"Maybe I thought of it once in a while," Liam admitted at last. "How about you? You imagine me when Sara was giving it you from behind?"

Noel let out a strangled groan of rage and arousal, clamped his teeth down on Liam's earlobe and reached down to push his knees apart.

"Yeah? Is that how it's gonna be?" Liam asked, teeth scraping Noel's jaw. He felt a thrill, deep in his belly, like a match striking the rough surface on a matchbook. 

"Yes," Noel said, his voice so thick it barely sounded like a word. He spread Liam's legs and fumbled with his dick, positioning himself to take him. His mouth was on Liam's neck. He was going to leave a mark the size of Australia and Liam didn't give a flying fuck. Noel pressed against him sloppily. 

"Slow down a moment," Liam muttered, untangling himself from Noel reluctantly and rolling over. 

Noel grabbed at him, trapped Liam's arm over his head, fingers digging hard into his wrist. Liam's breath hissed out shakily. For a moment he lay there, luxuriated in Noel's attention. Then he pulled away, leaned over to his side of the bed and scrabbled around for the lube in his nightstand drawer.

"Where the fuck are you going? You're never the sensible one, you," Noel said impatiently. He rubbed himself against the inside of Liam's thighs. He pulled Liam back into position fiercely, insistently.

"Don't worry. I'm still not sensible. Only it's my arse you're about to destroy, mate," Liam said with a little laugh, his breath shallow and staccato. He pushed open the tube with his thumb.

"Too right."

It was organic vegan lube. Made from coconut oil and cocoa butter and all that stuff. It didn't even taste half bad. He was generous with it, warmed it in his palm for a moment before slicking it over Noel's cock.

"I smell like a fucking piña colada," Noel said.

"Soon as they make lager flavour I'll let you know, right?"

Noel took the tube from Liam and smeared some over Liam's arsehole. The hair there made a faint crinkling sound as he rubbed the lube in.

"Hairy fucker," Noel said, flicking a finger at Liam's hole teasingly.

"You're one to talk," Liam said, shivering.

"I'll have you know…" Noel began.

Liam reached down, grabbed hold of Noel's cock, guided him into position impatiently. "You gonna fuck me or just lie around with your lips flapping, or what?"

Noel didn't have to be told twice. He pushed in slowly at first, then hesitated, groped beside him for the discarded lube and squeezed some more onto his dick. He looked down, let out a small sound of admiration. 

"Like the sight of that, do you?" Liam gasped.

Noel nodded once and then lowered himself onto Liam, pushed up all the way inside him. He moved slowly at first, his face pressed into Liam's neck, his breath coming harsh and wet. He was murmuring something incoherently, and after a moment Liam realised he was saying, "Oh God, oh God, oh God…", over and over again. Like he was praying to him. Like what they were doing was divine.

"Noel," he murmured. His voice shook, spilling over with excitement. 

Liam needed to feel his eyes on him, to see for himself how completely Noel was his. Noel turned his head to look at him, kept his gaze locked on Liam's face as he moved above him. Liam didn't blink, like maybe if he shut his eyes for a moment Noel would vanish. The silver chain dangled between them, gleamed liquid like mercury. Liam touched it with his tongue. They slid into that place only they ever seemed to inhabit when they were together with or without the benefit of drugs. And though they were already alone, in that place there was only Noel inside Liam, Liam all around Noel and everything that wasn't them ceased to be: the bed, the room, the house and all the years they'd wasted on anger. They hung like that, suspended, gazing into each other. Climaxing was like falling to earth. Crashing spectacularly. Again, Liam thought when it was over. Again.

He woke up curved against Noel ages later, their bodies warm and damp with sweat. Eyes still shut, Liam ran his cheek against Noel's skin. He saw yellow and orange behind his eyelids, like closing his eyes against the sun. Fuck, Liam thought drowsily, it's like touching sunshine.

"Tickles," Noel said, his voice still a sleepy croak.

Liam slid a hand over his shoulder and down his arm. "I dreamed you split while I was asleep."

"Well, I didn't, did I? Still here," Noel said, yawning. "How late is it?"

Liam shrugged. "Left me phone in the kitchen. D'you have to go?" he asked, couldn't keep that pleading sound out of his voice.

Noel shook his head and sat up, ran a hand over his hair. "Fucking starving, me." 

Noel's hair had dried wrong, it stuck up in all directions like a psychopathic hedgehog. 

"I could do you a fry up," Liam said doubtfully. "Don't suppose you eat that rubbish anymore."

"Have you got…?" Noel began, his eyes gleaming mischievously.

"Pot Noodles?" Liam finished. "Course I do! Chicken and mushroom, just like the old days."

Noel leaned in abruptly and kissed him soundly on the mouth. "I might have to take back every bad thing I've ever said about you," he said with a laugh.

"Not holding me breath," Liam grumbled, but he pulled Noel closer and kissed him back. 

Noel was so soft in his arms, as if the sex and the nap had dulled his sharp edge. They kissed slowly, lazily for fucking ages, until Liam finally pulled away. "Me bladder's bursting," he admitted. 

"Don't get any funny ideas," Noel said with a smirk.

"Har har," Liam said. He swung out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom.

He relieved himself and then washed up quickly, toweled off and looked at himself in the mirror. It was one of those frameless Venetian mirrors, something Debbie had admired while they were on holiday. It had cost a fortune to ship it back home but the look on her face when she unpacked it had been worth it.

"Good job it's still whole and that. Seven years bad luck if it broke," he'd said.

"No such thing as bad luck with us." She'd beamed.

The light from the hall caught the curved edge of the glass, reflected silver. Liam blinked at his image. He looked tired, puffy but happy. He found a clean T-shirt and a pair of sweats and headed to the kitchen. When he returned, carrying a tray bearing two chicken and mushroom Pot Noodles and two bottles of beer, he found Noel in bed wearing his clothes. They were comically loose on him.

"I had a wash. Mine are all soaked," Noel explained. 

"That's alright," Liam said, setting the tray down.

They slurped their food in silence, knocked back the beer.

"I still can't believe you let me do that to you, you know," Noel said at last. "In the bath."

Liam shrugged. "Time was I'd have let you do anything to me, innit? No questions asked. Anything."

Noel just stared at him, that sharp look in his eyes like he could fucking see through him. 

"What? It's true," Liam said. He took a large swallow of beer, leaned against the headboard of the bed.

Noel shook his head, slid his foot under Liam's knee and wiggled his toes playfully. "I could do with a cigarette right about now," he admitted around a mouthful of noodles.

Liam reached out and smacked the back of his head. "Mam didn't raise you to talk with your mouth full, did she? Disgusting." His own mouth was so full the words came out garbled, noodles hanging from between his lips.

Noel rolled his eyes. "You're disgusting," he muttered.

Liam bit off the noodles and let them fall back into the plastic pot. Noel looked like he was stifling a laugh. A bit of beer dribbled from his mouth and he wiped it on the back of his hand.

"Anyway. I thought you'd given up smoking years ago, now you're all clean living and that," Liam said. 

Noel finished his beer and set the bottle down on Debbie's bedside table. "So what if I feel like smoking one once?" he asked.

"The new Noel smokes sneaky fags? Pisses on his brother?" Liam exclaimed in mock surprise. "What else does the new Noel do?"

"I'm still me, you know," Noel said sullenly. "Same person I always was."

Liam thought about that for a moment. In his arms, he felt like Noel, the inside of his mouth still tasted the same. He still mostly sounded like Noel. When he listened to him slagging him off on the radio or read some snooty interview, he could still see the tell-tale pattern in which Noel went about manipulating the world around him. Taking everyone in it for a fool, but Liam wasn't a fool. Noel was the same and at the same time he wasn't.

"Sure you are," Liam said sceptically.

"I fucking am! I mean, there were always two sides to me anyway, right? That's just how the Gemini rolls."

Liam let out a burst of laughter and pulled out his cigarettes. "Go on, then," he said. "I'll borrow you one. I won't tell the press nish." 

He stuck two in his mouth, lit them and then handed one to his brother. They smoked them side by side, hanging out the bedroom window looking out into the garden. Noel waved his cigarette in the direction of the trees still hung with red and white Christmas lights. "I can't believe you've still got them lights up," Noel said. "Just thought you'd leave them up till next fucking Christmas, or what?"

Liam shrugged. "So what if I did? Ain't against the law or nothing."

Noel shook his head in disbelief, then inhaled slowly like he was savouring it. 

"Got everything you wanted?" Liam asked, blowing out a smoke ring.

"That's the stuff," Noel sighed.

"You know you can always smoke one occasionally. Go on the odd bevvy. No need to be a saint all the fucking time," Liam remarked. 

Noel pulled a face. "I'm not a saint. Not pretending to be one either, am I?"

Liam sighed, stubbed out the end of his cigarette and dropped it into a jar of water on the window sill. "Could have fooled me. You and your missus, both. Like a fucking his and hers perfume advert."

Noel finished his cigarette and flicked it down into the garden. "No, of course, why don't you tell me all about me and my missus? No...no...no...no, don't hold back. I want to hear all about it. I'm all ears."

Liam pushed Noel out of the way impatiently and shut the window. "Right then, I will."

Noel folded his arms over his chest, leaned against the wall, a defiant look plastered on his face.

"It's like...you just threw away everything that made you you, right? Just to impress her, you know what I mean? You don't even sound like you, right?" Liam said.

"Who do I sound like? Hmm?" Noel asked angrily. He looked silly in Liam's baggy sweats but somehow not any less intimidating. 

"Someone who eats tofu and works out," Liam sneered. "Like...like you're a fucking caricature of a plastic pop star. Never a hair out of place, looking like someone chose all your outfits for you, fucking jacket by Dior, belt: Comme des Garçons, Yves Saint Laurent trainers, fucking thousand pound fucking shades, right? And you look like that, too...not like you're wearing your own clobber, what you chose on your own like a real person. Like you're a...a...a...fucking blurb in a high fashion magazine. Goes on holiday with fucking Bono, lunching with all them models. You don't even talk the same. Like you're ashamed…" He paused there, having run out of steam.

"Ashamed of what? Where we come from? No...never...No way. Rich, you, accusing me of paying attention to my clothes. You vain shit. I'm not ashamed of being born working class. But I don't play it up, neither, like you do. Fucking ashamed…" Noel shook his head.

"Ashamed of me. Ashamed of this…" Liam said, waving his hand in the space between them.

"Ashamed of...of...of...what we...what we done?" Noel's face was flushed red, he looked away and then back up at Liam. The look in Noel's eye was shame, he didn't know what else to call it. 

"Are you?" Liam pressed him. "You are ashamed, aren't you?"

There was a sick, heavy feeling in Liam's stomach. He could feel the bile rising in his throat. This was it at last. This was what it was really about. 

"Liam…" Noel said softly.

"Are you? Did you tell Sara? Is that why she's wishing me dead, why she fucking hates me?" Liam spat.

"You harassed her, called her ugly and manipulative...You turned your...your...your...little army of flying monkeys against her...What, you think she'll love you for that? You don't seem to understand, she's my wife, my best friend, the...the...mother…" Noel punctuated each point with a stab of his finger. 

"No need to sell her to me like I'm the fucking press. Did you tell her?" Liam asked.

"No...fuck! No! Do you think I'm crazy? No!" Noel said vehemently.

"Are you ashamed of me? Are you?" He took a step closer to Noel, flexed his fingers menacingly.

"No. Liam…" Noel said wearily.

"Well, it don't feel that way to me!" Liam shouted, curled his fists at his sides tightly to stop himself from lashing out.

"You sound like a jealous girlfriend," Noel said, his voice thin with exasperation. "Can't you just accept she's my wife? I fucking love...she's my wife. It doesn't have to be her or...or...or...fucking you. Or what? Don't you love Debbie? Isn't she your fucking soulmate?" Noel sneered at that last, narrowing his eyes, curling his lip.

"Don't you bring her into this, yeah? Leave her out of it!"

"Like you brought Sara into it?" Noel pointed out. "Why don't you tell Debbie you...you...you pick me? Call her right now and tell her what we just did and that! Where's Debbie, Liam? Why isn't she here?"

"Just shut the fuck up, right?!" Liam shouted. "Just get lost! Yeah, just get right the fuck outta here before I..." 

"You don't mean that," Noel said, deflecting the threat with ease. "Where's Debbie?" he asked, taking a step towards Liam, his hand outstretched. 

Liam swatted Noel's hand away, hissed in irritation. "Fuck off!"

Noel stood there as though he was made of stone, just watching him. Finally, Liam turned away, covered his face with one hand and sat down heavily on the bed. He didn't answer, there was no answer he could give that would make sense.

"Why isn't she here? Where is she?" Noel asked. 

Liam shrugged awkwardly, shut his eyes tight. He didn't want to see the expression on Noel's face. Disappointment or schadenfreude or pity. He could feel the depression in the mattress when Noel sat down beside him. Noel's fingers curled against the small of his back tentatively. Pity. That was the fucking word of the day.

"What's happened? What…?" Noel began, he slid his hand along Liam's spine. The tenderness of the caress made Liam want to beat the pity out of his brother until his knuckles were bruised and broken.

He fell back onto the mattress heavily instead, and Noel fell back with him, letting out his breath in a steady stream. They lay side by side in silence; Noel's hand trapped beneath Liam's back, Liam's hands folded over his chest. He could feel his own heart shuddering in his breast, beating so loud and so fast he was sure Noel could hear it. He tried to remember a meditation class he'd taken ages ago, concentrated on breathing in and out. In and out. In and out. When he managed to calm down a bit he realised that Noel's breath was in sync with his. They breathed in and out as one until the red haze behind Liam's eyelids dissipated.

"Pot Noodles, yeah? They just aren't the same no more," Liam said all at once, apropos of nothing. "Some days I wonder if I didn't eat my fill of them when we was younger, you know what I mean?"

Noel let out a stiff little laugh, pushed his face against Liam's shoulder. "I don't know. I'm not sure I agree. It's not that I don't like them anymore. I think they've changed the recipe. New and improved it and that. Only now it's worse."

"Are you even allowed to eat Pot Noodles? All that sodium and cholesterol, right?" Liam asked.

"No. You're right. Sara's put me on a strict diet," Noel said, pushing his shoulder against Liam's.

Liam turned to face him, raising his brows in interest. 

"Two hundred fifty grammes of caviar and at least a dozen oysters for lunch most days." Noel's lips quirked into a small smile.

"Wheatgrass smoothies," Liam added.

"Gluten-free Peronis."

"Now you're just making shit up."

"No...I swear! I seen it in Tescos."

Liam pressed his mouth to Noel's abruptly, slid his hands under Noel's T-shirt—his T-shirt—rubbed his thumbs against Noel's nipples until they were tight with arousal.

"I'm not falling for your old tricks," Noel said, flicking his tongue against Liam's neck like a snake. 

"Tricks?" Liam asked, slid his hands down, tracing the dark hair on Noel's stomach. 

"You'd always start summat if you thought it would get you out of an argument you were losing," Noel explained.

"It wasn't an argument," Liam said. "It was a friendly conversation, you know what I mean?" 

Noel plucked at the waistband of Liam's sweatpants suggestively, peered in and then let the elastic snap back against his stomach.

"Very friendly," Noel agreed, angling his chin at Liam's crotch.

Liam's dick was hard already, he grabbed Noel's hand and rubbed his palm against it over the heavy cotton. 

"Patience!" Noel laughed under his breath and twisted his hand out of Liam's grasp. Then he slid Liam's sweats down slowly, brushed his hand over the hair at Liam's groin, barely touching him. Fucking tease.

"Anyway, that's not true, that," Liam protested. "If I was ever losing it was because I let you win, right?"

"Bollocks!" Noel exclaimed. 

"If I was ever losing I'd just punch you in the fucking mouth. That'd shut you up in a hurry," Liam amended.

"Yeah. That would do it. But that's cheating, that." He curled his hand against Liam's dick for a moment and then withdrew it again.

Liam had had enough, he pulled down Noel's sweats abruptly, wrapped his hand firmly around Noel's dick. By the time Noel finally touched him he was leaking. He groaned in relief and urgency. The cure, it seemed, was worse than the affliction. They curled towards each other, breathless and laughing, tossed each other off as furiously as they had ever done as boys. 

"What about the last one?" Noel asked, still struggling to catch his breath. 

Liam's head felt wonderfully light, bright spots danced before his eyes when he tried to focus on Noel's face. He wiped his sticky hand on the bed clothes. "The last what?" he asked.

Noel's hand was still on his flaccid dick, smearing his come up into his pubic hair absently. Liam felt spent, thrumming with contentment like a struck chord.

"In Paris. The big...the...the...the end...The last time. Right before I left," Noel stuttered.

"That wasn't...No. That one wasn't...that wasn't about...you know."

"What was it about?" Noel asked.

He never really knew most of the time. Something about Noel just set him off. It had always been that way. He'd see red about something and wouldn't stop until they were both bleeding. He used to think it was because they loved harder than regular people. Now he wondered if it wasn't just that they were damaged.

"Grow up!" Noel had shouted. "Just grow up, you fucking infant!"

He could still feel the strings on the neck of the guitar biting into the soft flesh of his palms as he gripped it, the way the instrument sang its swan song just before it hit the ground. He could still hear Noel's gasp of anguish. And then the way he'd kicked at the guitar over and over, his breath labouring as he lashed out, and Liam just stood by and watched him, shocked to the core. Liam had understood that was his head Noel was kicking in, his face purple and his eyes bulging. When he'd finally turned his gaze back to his brother, Liam knew he was wishing with every particle in his being he could beat Liam into kindling instead. Liam still didn't know why he didn't. Maybe it would have made him feel better.

"I don't know," Liam admitted. He leaned over and grabbed a box of tissues, handed it to Noel and he proceeded to mop up their mess. "I don't rightly know what that fight was about. I was raging."

"Yeah," Noel said, crumpling up the used tissue and pulling up his sweatpants. "You always are."

"You…" Liam began and then swallowed his words. "I was working on that, me. After...When I...all I had was Debbie for a while, you know? And the clan." 

Noel was just watching him, his hands curled in his lap. "You always had the whole fucking world behind you," he murmured. "Like you could do no wrong. They always forgave you."

Liam shrugged hopelessly. "You didn't, did you?"

Noel let out a bitter laugh. His eyes were glassy, they shone like a silver spoon, like he was about to cry, which was just ridiculous, because Liam could count the times he'd seen Noel cry on the fingers of one hand. "I'm here, aren't I?"

"Yeah."

"Enough moaning about the past," Noel said, clearing his throat. "What do you want to do now?"

He blinked a few times in disbelief. He kept expecting Noel to grab his fancy leather shoes and hightail it back to his wife and posh house. Noel kept staying and it was doing his head in. Liam just stared at his brother and then sat up and pulled his clothes back in place. "What do _you_ want to do?" he asked him back at last. 

"What do _I_ want to do?" Noel asked. "What do I want?"

"I just asked you that, dickhead," Liam said irritably. "What? You going deaf?"

Noel gave him a full-on grin. "I want to take down your fucking Christmas lights, me. Your gaff's looking like a fucking Vietnamese restaurant."

"It's cheerful," Liam protested.

"It's gone a week past New Year's!"

"I was supposed to do it with Debbie," Liam said, as if that explained everything.

Noel's mouth fell open in disbelief. "Jesus, Liam! How long has Debbie been gone for?"

He shrugged. Noel was like a dog with a bone sometimes. "We were going to take them down and then get spectacularly pissed. The piss-up of the century," Liam said vaguely.

Noel thought about this for a moment and then stood and offered Liam his hand to pull him up. "Break out the G and T's, baby," he said with a grin.

Liam went into his walk-in closet and found him a hoodie and a pair of clean socks. Noel stood at the entrance peering in and pulling silly faces. 

"Do you ever get rid of anything? My God! Look at all this stuff! Have you still got that jacket you wore at Loch Lomond? Or...that jumper of mine? You know the one?"

He did know the one. The one he was wearing when McGee said he'd sign them. He still had it somewhere but he wasn't about to admit that to Noel. He handed him the hoodie and the socks. "Mine will be huge on your tiny feet, Cinderella. These are Debbie's."

The socks had unicorns on them, a gift from one of her mates. Noel made a face but put them on anyway, slid down the hall on socked feet like a little kid, laughing all the while. Liam had forgotten how much he loved the sound of his brother's laugh, and the fact that when he was in a certain mood, he laughed freely and frequently. He just wanted to watch him, to memorise every microexpression, every inflection. 

"I haven't got ice cubes," Liam said, when they got to the kitchen. He fetched two glasses from the cupboard. "Ran out and forgot to make more."

"It's frozen water. You couldn't freeze some water?" Noel asked. 

"I fucking know what ice cubes are, man. And I'm clean out," Liam said. 

"Fuck the ice, then. And fuck the tonic. Have you got gin?"

"Yeah, I've got gin. Of course I have," Liam grumbled. 

He mixed them a couple of G and T's, heavy on the gin, and they downed the first round in one go. Noel mixed the next round. He found a lemon in the fridge and added a few slices, Liam found a couple of red and white straws. They managed to make them look almost professional. They sat down at the kitchen table and Noel rearranged the fruit bowl. Liam had already put their cups into the dishwasher and mopped up the spilled tea earlier when he made the Pot Noodles. 

"When we get out there, right? I'll get on the ladder, you grab the fairy lights as I hand them down to you," Noel said, slurping his cocktail.

Liam rolled his eyes. "Stop micromanaging my Christmas lights, you cunt!" 

"I'm not micromanaging. All I'm saying is if we go about it all willy-nilly, right? We'll end up with a huge mess of tangled wire."

"Willy-nilly?" Liam smirked.

"If we go about it like you usually do—like a headless chicken on meth—," Noel said with exaggerated patience, "we'll end up with a cunting mess."

"You're right, Chief. I can't think how I've managed the past decade without your help. I just end up chucking them all in the bin and buying new lights each year, like," Liam said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Look, Liam…" Noel began and then set down his empty highball glass. "Do you have another beer? I need a beer."

"Oh, you need a beer, eh? You need one. Sure, you're doing all the heavy lifting." Liam tapped his temple with his index finger then got up and grabbed two bottles of beer from the fridge. He opened the bottles with the end of his lighter and handed one to Noel. 

"Oh, shut up," Noel said, taking a long swig from his bottle. "I'm still on the ladder. You'll fall off and I'll be accused of fucking murder. And I'm not doing time because of you, right? No amount of brotherly love extends that far." He banged the bottle down on the table hard, jumped a bit as if his own forcefulness startled him. 

"Calm down. I only fell off once and I was fine, right? Kids are resilient at that age," Liam said. "I can't believe you still remember that." He peeled the label of his beer off in thin strips, let them flutter to the table.

"You were lucky you fell the way you did. You could have broken your fucking neck. That fucker, Paul. Leaving you alone like that."

"He was only gone for a moment. No harm done," Liam insisted. "And it was only a sprained wrist. No one could get me to sit still at five, anyhow."

" _I_ could. _I_ could get you to sit still!" Noel's eyes flashed and Liam realised that he was still furious over it. Still furious forty years later. He wondered what else he kept locked up inside. What else he was still resentful over? How could he live like this and call Liam the angry one? He leaned forward and put his hand on the back of Noel's neck, pressed his lips to Noel's. He let out a shuddering sigh and opened his mouth under Liam's. He tasted like gin and lager and rage. It's because he loves me, Liam realised, that's why he's still so angry.

Noel pulled back gently after a moment. "We'll never get anything done this way."

Liam put his hand on Noel's cheek, stroked his cheekbone with one gentle thumb and Noel leaned in and kissed him again. There was a tight knot in Liam's chest. He'd missed this. Missed the easy closeness. 

"They aren't hurting anyone, the Christmas lights, you know. They look right cheery. Let 'em stay up a while," Liam said, raising an eyebrow. He bent his head and kissed Noel's throat, felt his pulse jump against his lips.

"I can't go again yet," Noel admitted, his voice coloured with regret. He rubbed his nose in Liam's hair, dropped a distracted kiss on the side of his head. "Go on. Let's get your jacket on."

"You really hate those lights, eh?" Liam chuckled.

"I fucking hate everything about Christmas."

"I dunno. If it weren't for my Christmas tweet you wouldn't be here, would you?"

Noel didn't say anything to that. He grabbed two more bottles of beer and pulled on his jacket and scarf, slipped on his muddy shoes. Just before they went out, Liam pulled up Noel's hood. The sun had come up and the day was mild enough, but Liam was concerned about fans catching sight of his brother. He tugged at the drawstrings and peered under the hood. Noel looked like that kid again. The kid who had written six songs and claimed he was ready to take the world by storm. Liam fetched the ladder and some twine to tie the lights together from the garage. 

"Think they'll recognise you?" he asked when he returned, struggling to open the ladder.

"No," Noel shrugged. "Just tell them I'm a builder or summat."

"You can't even screw in a lightbulb."

"I know how to screw, don't I?" Noel said with a smirk. He took the ladder from Liam, opened it and tested if it was stable.

"Oh, shut up. You're the one can't go again," Liam said.

"I said yet. Can't go yet. Yet, Liam. And I don't need any of them chemicals. Not like some I know," Noel said slyly.

"I snorted some once. For fun. I don't...I don't fucking need them...And you're five years older. You're fifty already," Liam pointed out. 

"I know how old I am. Keep the ladder steady and your voice down, fuck's sake."

They managed to get all the lights down in the front of the house and then moved to the garden. They drank their beer sitting on the dusty rattan garden chairs and griped about people they used to know when they were young and hadn't made it yet. When they'd drained the bottles they got back to work, Noel climbed back up the ladder and fed the strings of fairy lights down to Liam for him to coil into neat bunches. While Noel untangled the last of the wire from the branches, Liam leaned on the ladder, gazed up at him. 

"You really never had Viagra?" he asked. "Not even for, you know...just for the edge?"

"Edge? No. All in working order, me. Thank you very much."

"Right. Right...That don't mean you don't want a little boost now and again...a little…" Liam held up his thumb and index finger to show him how much of a boost.

"No," Noel said simply.

Liam rested his cheek on Noel's ankle pensively. "I guess you don't really need it. Just need someone with the proper skill set."

"Hmm," Noel said. 

Liam pulled out his pack of cigarettes and lit one while he waited for Noel to finish untangling the lights. Noel was stretching out his arm as far as he could, cursing under his breath.

"What you doing up there, Songbird, building a fucking nest?" Liam called up to him.

Noel looked down. "This bit just got caught on summat. Almost done."

Finally, Noel dislodged the last strand of fairy lights and started down the ladder again, paused a few rungs before the bottom. 

"I'm finally bigger than you, boy," Noel said, spreading his arms like he was on stage at Maine Road.

"Your head is, anyway," Liam said, sticking the cigarette in his mouth and putting his hands on Noel's hips.

"Not just my…" Noel began. He plucked the cigarette from Liam's mouth and stuck it in his own, waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Alright, alright there, darlin'...Everyone knows it's not about the size, it's about what you do with it." He put his cheek against Noel's hip bone, mouthed at his cock through the soft, thick cotton of his sweats.

"Sure...it's all about the skill set," Noel agreed. He put one hand on Liam's head, scratched at his scalp gently. "What're you up to?"

Liam nuzzled Noel's crotch playfully, inhaled the cocktail of scents: soap and musk and spilled come. He put one hand on Noel's stomach and then gave the drawstring of Noel's sweats a gentle tug, loosening the knot easily. 

"What the fuck are you…?" Noel began. He slid his hand over the back of Liam's head, curled his fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck.

Liam hooked his fingers under the waistband and pulled his sweats down. He put his face against Noel's groin and licked at the hair there, at the crusted come, took his sweet time about it, too. They stood mostly protected from view by the trees. The bare but dense branches built a protective bower around them, like in the fairy stories they heard in Ireland as lads. They were safe again in that place that was just theirs. He felt in his gut that they wouldn't be discovered. Just as he'd felt it every other time they'd been intimate in the open.

"...are you fucking mental?" Noel hissed, but his hand was still on Liam's head, telling another story.

"Maybe I am," Liam said calmly. He took Noel's flaccid dick in his hand and squeezed it gently. It reminded him of a baby bird. So slight, exposed, fragile. "Just let me do this. I want to. You don't have to do nothing. Let me do it, yeah?"

Noel's whole body tensed for a moment and then he relaxed so completely he slumped back on the ladders. Liam took the tip of Noel's limp dick in his mouth, tasted it salty and a little bitter. He licked it clean. Above him Noel was watching him through half-closed eyes, his lips parted. The cigarette was still clenched between the fingers of his left hand, burning down, right to the filter. He cursed under his breath and flicked it away. Noel's expression was completely unguarded. He looked almost like an entirely different man. A man Liam had known over two decades ago. Something spasmed in Liam's chest and he had to look away.

Noel's dick felt smooth as silk in Liam's mouth, still perfectly soft. He made a shelter for it in his mouth, sucked it as tenderly as he knew how. Noel's hands fluttered against his head. He made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, almost like a sob. Liam chanced a look up at his brother. He was leaned against the rungs of the ladder, head tipped back, his throat a long pale stripe in the sunshine.

When Noel came it was in slow motion, his breath hissing out like he was in pain, his knees trembling against Liam's chest. Liam was taken aback, Noel still wasn't even hard. He swallowed hastily, clung to Noel's hips. Noel slid down the last few rungs bonelessly, and leaned against Liam. He was shaking like a leaf. "Fuck...I didn't know...didn't know that was…I didn't know...how d'you do that?" he stuttered. "Fuck, Liam."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw. Yes, you really can come without being erect. I've seen it happen.


	3. On the Backseat of My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He realised that any minute now Noel was going to turn on him the way he always did when they got too close."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to finish this. Real life has been insane.
> 
> I also realised the ending was too long to fit into one chapter so there will be a chapter four.
> 
> Please comment! Let me know if i should actually finish it. It's been a while and I know people hate that. Thank you.

Liam's ears were ringing. He looked away, like even the sight of Noel was too much for him. It felt like too much pressure on an erogenous zone. Noel's strangled words, the long gleaming line of his neck, the way he'd trembled. Noel hadn't been hard but he'd climaxed anyway and somehow Liam had done that. It was too much. He followed Noel back into the kitchen, could feel his eyes on him, heavy and possessive. Liam washed his face and hands and drank water straight from the tap. Noel grabbed the gin off the table, unscrewed the cap and swigged it from the bottle. He handed it to Liam, who waved it away. He couldn't take it anymore. 

He left Noel in the kitchen with the gin, examining his broken smartphone. Maybe he wanted to call Sara. Liam didn't want to be anywhere near when he did. He went to the bathroom instead, gathered their damp, muddy clothes and the bath mat, then took them to the little laundry room. His head was spinning, he could still taste Noel on his tongue, could still smell him. He dumped a basket's worth of clothes on the floor, sorted everything into darks and whites and then he put in a load of washing. He bent to pick up a fallen T-shirt, black with white stripes. He was never sure where those went, dark wash or light. He pressed it to his nose, inhaled the spicy scent of Debbie's perfume. Then he dropped it into the empty basket. 

He tried to think what he might be doing now, if Noel weren't here. He might have given his mam a ring, it had been a few days but he wouldn't now. He didn't think he'd be able to lie to her and he knew that Noel would expect him to. He sat in the laundry room, reading messages on Twitter until his eyes hurt, laughing out loud to himself in places. He liked it in here, where it was warm and smelled of Ariel and fabric softener. It reminded him of his childhood. Doing laundry always felt like a fresh start. The best thing after a tour was sending all his clothes to the dry cleaners and then hanging them up again, good as new.

The truth was he was a little sick of Noel. Just a little. He realised that any minute now Noel was going to turn on him the way he always did when they got too close. They'd have a huge row and end up beating each other bloody. And that was just boring. He just wanted to enjoy it. What he really wanted to do was tell someone about it. To make it real. He wanted to call Debbie and tell her she was never going to believe who showed up. He’d exaggerate all the funny bits and make her laugh until tears rolled down her face. Of course he couldn't do that. Besides, her phone was still switched off. Nothing was ever really good unless he could share it with Debbie.

He used to be like that with Noel, keen to ring him up every ten minutes because he needed to let him know every time he heard a funny story. Or watched a great film. Or just because he'd thought of him. Or needed him. Just because Noel was always just there, in his head, and it felt wrong to be apart even when they couldn't stand each other. There were still things only Noel could ever understand, still moments when Noel was the only person he wanted to talk to. He knew it was the same for Noel as well. That part would never change, even if they went back to ignoring each other. 

The washing machine made that beeping sound that meant the cycle was finished, dragging Liam back into the present. He hung up the clothes and considered putting in another load, when he heard the faint sound of music coming from the living room, the familiar sound of George Harrison's guitar. Noel had discovered his collection of vinyl. Liam headed towards the living room, following the familiar strains of ''Hold Me Tight". 

Noel was sitting cross-legged on the floor, a stack of records in front of him. The bottle of gin was mostly empty. He was singing along softly. He could hit all the high notes with ease.

Liam stood at the door and watched him in silence for a while, contemplated what to do next. Then Noel looked up, smiled so tenderly all Liam could do was stare. 

"Where'd you disappear to?" Noel asked. He held up his phone. The display gleamed like a new pound coin. "Slagging me off to your Twitter mates, eh?" He was grinning, though. 

Liam shrugged. "Throwing them off the scent, aren't I?"

Noel grabbed hold of his socked feet and looked at Liam speculatively.

"Is this the part where you give me taxi money and a signed copy of your latest album? Tell me I was a good time?" he asked, his eyebrows arching.

"Nah. You can take the bus," Liam said with a tight grin.

"Right, then," Noel said. "The bus it is." There was a dark flavour to his voice, a pensiveness, like he could sense Liam pulling away. Why was it so fucking difficult? Why were they so rarely on the same page?

"You pissing off back to the Death Star now, or what?" Liam asked. His own voice sounded pathetic in his ears, like a little boy’s, whinging because he couldn't get what he wanted. 

Noel crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't know, Liam, am I?" he asked. “You’re the one acting like I’ve outstayed my welcome.”

The opening notes of "You've Really Got a Hold on Me" caught Liam by surprise like they always did, that strong lead guitar, and then John and George in harmony, hitting him right in the gut.

_I don't like you, but I love you._

Wasn’t that them all over? Seemed like only minutes ago he'd been wishing for some space, and now, all at once, he was panicked Noel was leaving again. It was exhausting.

"That's how you do, isn't it?" Liam said, striding into the room.

He stood stooped over Noel threateningly, power pose, like he was about to sing. Noel just looked straight up into Liam's face, unblinking.

"You're the one who’s been sulking God-knows-where for nearly three hours. What's it gonna be? Because I can call a car, no problem. Just put me clothes in a plastic bag and we'll call it a day," Noel said.

"And that's it, is it? See you in eight years?" 

"Maybe, yeah. If you can't act like a fucking adult." Noel shrugged.

"Fuck you." Liam took a step closer, his leg was almost touching Noel's head. He wanted to knee him right in that arrogant mouth.

Noel stood fluidly, grabbed hold of the front of Liam's sweatshirt. His fingers flexed once, as if he was contemplating what to do next. Then he released him and took a step back.

"What's this about, anyway?" Noel asked, running a hand over his face and grimacing.

Liam shrugged, pulled his sweatshirt back into order. He was sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop, that's what it was about.

"No, really. I want to know because...what you did out there…" Noel's face had that expression again, fear and awe and stark admiration.

Hadn't he wanted this his whole life? Hadn't he prayed for it? Noel's attention fixed firmly on him, looking at him like he was the best thing since sliced bread.

"I've never…" Noel started. “I've never felt so…” he tried again, his voice had an awkward little tremor. He cleared his throat and looked away.

It was strange to see his brother at a loss for words. Liam wasn't even sure he wanted to hear the end of the sentence. It was like eating too much pudding after a large meal. Too rich, too sweet. Too much.

"You're not leaving?" Liam asked, interrupting him. It seemed unreal. 

Noel shook his head sharply. The trouble was Liam didn't believe him anymore. Whenever shit got real that's what Noel did, he hit the road. Liam smashed his fist into something and Noel did a runner. 

"I reckon that would be fine," Liam said at last. "Thought I'd pick up a curry or summat."

"Yeah? D'you need some cash?" Noel asked, switching off the stereo before Ringo's song started.

Liam glared at him. "Oh, would you?" He said in a treacly sweet voice. "Only I’ve not got me dole in yet…"

"Alright, then. Don't let me pay. Pick me up a couple samosas instead," Noel said, rolling his eyes.

"Why am I going, then?" Liam asked crossly.

"Don't you think it'll look funny if we go together? Or if I go on me own, yeah? And someone takes a photo of Noel Gallagher hanging round his brother’s neck of the woods, yeah? Someone alerts the press and we're fucking swamped. Sounds like a fucking brilliant plan.” Then he looked at Liam critically, waved his hand at him. “And cover up, you’ve got a giant love bite on your neck," Noel said, as if he wasn't the one that put it there. 

Liam smirked. "What can I say? I'm just that delicious, man."

Noel wanted a balti jalfrezi, Liam just wanted butter chicken. Noel thought that was boring. He wanted naan, samosas and raita and maybe a mango lassi. And more beer. Lots of beer.

"Don't they feed you at all at home? Better buy me a fucking pony to carry it and that," Liam said, wrinkling his nose.

"You're a big strapping lad, you'll manage."

Liam ordered the food and then put another load of washing in, changed his clothes and then set off to pick up their curries. It was just getting dark again and a little chilly. Liam could smell the rain on the air. There would be another storm tonight, he could feel it in his knees and ankles. He walked on past the rows of posh houses and the lush trees, then on past the boutiques and trendy coffee shops. There were a few people out despite the weather. A kid on a skateboard and that woman walking her Airedale Terrier, who always looked at him like she wanted to start a conversation, but wasn't sure how. One of these days he'd ask her what her dog was called and blow her mind.

He wondered what Noel was doing alone in his house. If he was going through his things. If he'd finish the gin and move on to something else. If he'd go through his drawers and find one stuffed with song texts he'd scrawled on bits of paper during his travels. Mostly just lines here and there, things he'd show his team to give them a jump-start. Things he'd written with Noel in mind.

The smell of spices and the liquid they used to mop the floor assaulted him as soon as he walked into the restaurant. It was empty, save for a couple of old Indian geezers drinking tea out of small painted glasses and a pimply kid in a tracksuit staring at his phone. They didn't even look up at him. He had to wait a few minutes for their order, so he went outside to smoke and check his messages. It was chilly outside. Liam pulled up his hood and scanned the street for errant fans. 

Followers on Twitter had sent him dozens of photos, some of himself, mostly from his Oasis days, but some of them were of Noel. They were hoping Liam would give them biting little captions, call him a potato. Liam looked through the feed, trying to remember where these photographs had been taken. He hadn't been there for most of these, most of them were recent. They were taken at photo shoots, at galas, a few rare candids. Noel looking styled and arrogant and larger than life. Standing beside Sara, beside Anaïs, beside a number of interchangeable celebrities. Only one thing remained constant: Liam wasn't there with him. So many photos of Noel laughing, his eyes narrow with mirth. Happy. Noel looked so happy without him.

As soon as he paid and grabbed the carrier bags of food, Liam started to walk as briskly as he could without jostling the bags of food, and more importantly, the cans of beer. He felt a sickening coldness in the pit of his stomach that spread upwards through his chest, freezing the breath in his throat, like he was coming down with something. He could see an image clear as day of Noel sliding into a car, leaning his head against the window and breathing out in relief. 

The house was dark when he returned. When he flicked on the lights in the hall he could see Noel's shoes were gone. His jacket was gone as well. The kitchen was spotless. Noel had washed their dirty dishes. The sink was clean and dry. Even the dishwasher was empty. He set the food down on the counter and sprinted to the laundry room. Noel's clothes were gone. The washing machine was off. A shiver of fear tore through Liam as he ran to the living room. He bit his tongue to keep from calling out his brother's name. The records were all back in their places on the shelf. It looked as though no one had ever been there. Liam sucked in his breath and went upstairs to the bathroom.

"Noel!" he called out at last, immediately regretting it, like there was a competition to seem aloof and of course Liam lost it.

Still calling out Noel's name, he checked the guest bedrooms and his music room and the room they'd turned into a little gym, all empty. Liam shouted his name over and over. Only the master bedroom remained with its adjoining walk-in closet. Noel had made the bed, there wasn't a crease in the coverlet. Liam sat down on the edge of the bed, breathed out slowly. He'd been here before. It was nothing he hadn't lived through before. He'd survived this more times than he could count. When things got hairy, Noel split. He didn’t need Noel, Liam told himself. He didn’t want him. He’d been fine without him.

Liam pulled out his phone and texted Noel: _were the fuck are you_

No reply. Liam's chest felt very tight, his head throbbed. His mouth was dry and his hands shook. It felt like the worst hangover of his life. Worse than that time in Germany when he’d come to in the nick minus his front teeth. He ran his tongue over his incisors just in case. Everything was still there. He sent another text and then another, then smashed his fist into the mattress, put his head down on the pillow Noel had used. It didn't smell of Noel anymore, like he'd never been there at all. It smelled of Ariel washing gel. Liam pulled out his phone again, tried ringing Debbie's number, but her phone was still off.

"Fuck!" he shouted, flung his phone to the far end of the bed. It skittered to the floor and crashed. The display was shattered, fucking thing was well broken.

"Liam?" 

Startled, Liam looked up, followed the sound of Noel's voice to the far end of the room. He was in the walk-in wardrobe, the fucker. His hair was all perfect again, all brushed and blown dry. He was wearing a shirt that looked vaguely familiar, and his own jeans, already dry apparently. 

"What you doing in here?" Liam said weakly.

Noel blinked and held up a clear rectangular plastic container, roughly the size of a box of tea. 

"You didn't flush it down the toilet," Noel said, his voice full of wonder.

Inside the box was John Lennon's leather necklace, the one he'd worn most of '68. The one Noel had bought for him. A few of the beads were missing, but otherwise it was good as new.

"Course I didn't," Liam said incredulously. "Last nice thing you done for me. Until...well...last nice thing before..." he let the words trail off uncomfortably.

Liam took the box from Noel and set it down and then he put his hands on Noel's chest, felt for his heartbeat. 

"Liam…" Noel started. He looked up at Liam, his eyes soft.

"Fucker," Liam growled, his voice failing him. He sounded like a kid whose voice was changing.

"What?" Noel laughed.

"Didn't you hear me calling?" Liam asked, pushing Noel so hard he fell against the rack of coats. "Didn't you hear me calling your name? Cunt."

"No, I didn't. I…" Noel began.

"What you tidy up for? No one asked you to do nish!" Liam shouted.

Noel extracted himself from the coats and exited the wardrobe. "You're just as psycho as you always were, aren't you?" he said quietly.

"Who told you to tidy up?!" Liam balled his hands into fists.

Noel gave him a sharp look. "Fuck me! No one tidied up, you schizophrenic cunt. Let's just eat. I'm fucking starving."

They ate in the kitchen straight from the take-away containers and drank beer. Noel was pointedly silent the whole time through. He tore his naan into small pieces, dipped them into the raita. Liam kept trying to swallow his anger down with his beer. Of course he'd tidied up. Noel had wanted him to think he'd left. He'd done it to fuck with Liam's mind. Just as he always had. Moving things so Liam couldn't find them. Giving him one set of lyrics and then changing them around so it seemed like he couldn't even fucking read. Black. White. Hot. Cold. Yes. No. He was always trying to wind him up. And lying. Fucking lying all the time. Lying was breathing to Noel. Lying was sport.

When they were done Liam gathered up the containers, threw them in the bin.

"Just leave it," Noel sneered. "Maybe the invisible cleaner will throw them out." He got up, went to the fridge to get another beer.

Liam turned to face his brother, grabbed the tall plastic cup of mango lassi he'd bought for him off the kitchen counter and hurled it at Noel's head as hard as he could. It missed, hit the wall with a sickening splat.

"Fuck! The fuck is it this time?" Noel shouted, turning to survey the damage. "What?" 

Some of the mango drink had splashed on his leg. He rubbed at the denim with his palm briskly, a look of irritation flickering across his face. He dumped the beer cans onto the table and grabbed a serviette, wiped his hand with an impatient sigh.

"I knew it wouldn't last. Knew you'd show your true colours in the end. Why don't you just piss off, get it out of the way!" Liam roared. His stomach heaved, he could feel the curry crawling back up his throat. 

"This again?" Noel sighed. He crumpled the serviette into a ball and clenched it in his fist. Then he folded his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, this. It always fucking comes back to this, don't it? It's always down to you taking off," Liam said.

He put his palms down on the table, leaned forward menacingly. Noel seemed unimpressed. He looked straight at Liam, staring him down.

"In case you haven't noticed, Liam, I'm still here. God knows why. But you're clearly mad for me to leave, right? So you can go back to feeling sorry for yourself," Noel said quietly. The calm, rational tone in his voice was infuriating. He cracked open a can and took a leisurely sip.

"You're the one left," Liam said insistently. "It's not like that bit's in me head, right? You left. You know what I mean? You split us up. You fucking changed your number. Fucking...fucking changed your number, right? I didn't have your number for fucking years. Me own brother's number. So why should I believe a single thing you say? How can I trust you, when you're just gonna stab me in the back for thirty pieces of silver?" 

Noel sat back down heavily, glared up at Liam until he sat down as well. "Now you’re Jesus Christ, or what? You're such a fucking drama queen, you," Noel said mockingly. "I had to cut you off. You left me no choice. What choice did I have? Tell me that, Liam. What should I have done? Let you call me twenty times in a row screaming obscenities? Terrorise my...my...my wife. Fucking...fucking...leaving messages that…" he finished weakly, a strange pleading look on his face. It occurred to Liam that Noel was trying to defuse the situation and that made him even angrier.

"Cause I said what was what," Liam said, raising his voice. "Cause I said it like it is!"

"You said…" Noel began, shaking his head. "I couldn't believe the shite come out your mouth!"

"Cause I said what I was to you," Liam clarified.

He was fuzzy on the details of what he'd said in those messages. At the time he'd known it was foolish, but he hadn't been able to stop himself. He picked up the second can of beer and opened it, took a long gulp.

"You're fucking delusional, you are,” Noel said. “What if Sara had heard you? What world do you live in where that can happen? What fucking world?" 

"My world," Liam said matter of factly. "Our fucking world. The real fucking world, man."

"In my world...in my world...in my world, Liam. In my world, there's Sara. My boys. Anaïs. There's my music. _My_ music. Mine." Noel ticked each one off his fingers. "What have you got?"

"I've got a fucking gold certified album, me. That's what," Liam said at once. That would put Noel's nose out of joint and good.

"You've got two ex-wives, four children,” Noel said firmly, jabbing a finger at the air between them, again and then again. “Two of them you had out of wedlock and you've never even bothered to meet them. You've got a huge fucking collection of shit in your closet reminds you of your glory days. Days you owe solely to me, might I point out. And your fucking girlfriend left you." 

"She didn't...she didn't...she didn't leave," Liam protested. 

"She's not here now, is she? I'm here. Me, Liam. Not her," Noel said, his voice shaking slightly. "So why don't you stop acting like a cunt and tell me what happened? Did you argue?"

"You don't understand..." Liam began weakly. He picked up his can of beer, took another swig and then set it down again. He prodded it with one finger gingerly and then took another long gulp. 

"Then explain it to me!" Noel said. "Maybe you pushed her away. Maybe she can't stand the way you cling and whinge incessantly, either. Like a fucking child."

"Maybe I've had just about enough of you! Just piss off!" Liam said explosively.

"No. No. That's not what's going to happen here, right?" Noel said firmly. "You're going to tell me what's going on. Did you hurt her? Did you? Did you raise a hand to her?"

Liam just stared at Noel for a moment and then he lunged at him, tripping over a chair and knocking over Noel’s beer. His knuckles grazed Noel's chin, almost a caress rather than a blow. "Fuck you! No, fuck you! You fucking cunt. You fucking...fucking...how dare you?" 

He raised his hand again and lunged at Noel again. Noel turned his head to the side, deflected Liam’s hand with ease. He looked down at the beer pooling on the table. 

"Did you?" Noel asked again.

"I've never...never hurt a woman in my fucking life!" Liam roared. He smacked his palm down into the puddle, spraying beer everywhere. 

"That's just not true, is it?" Noel said evenly. He licked his top lip slowly, made a steeple with his hands and looked steadily into Liam's eyes. "Don't you think it hurt Patsy when you got Lisa pregnant? Or Nic? With that two bit journo…"

Liam took the blow full on before he continued. He deserved that. "Who hasn’t hurt someone? But that's what you think, that I'd beat my woman? Like...like...like…" Liam stuttered. He couldn’t wrap his head around the accusation.

"I don't know, Liam. Wouldn’t you?" Noel asked sharply, fixing him with a level glare. 

"Come here! I'll black your eyes, I will! I'll fucking murder you!" he shouted, reached for Noel again, hands clenching in the collar of his shirt. 

Noel grinned at him mockingly, a wolf’s grin, but his eyes were dead and cold. He reached up and detached Liam's hands from his shirt. "Not exactly helping your case now, are you?" he said dryly.

"Shut the fuck up! Shut up. You don't understand anything, right? You don’t understand a fucking thing!" Liam balled his hands into fists and then dropped them again.

"Maybe because you're not making any sense," Noel said calmly. Sometimes when Liam was angry, Noel became condescendingly still. His silence still had the power to chill Liam to the bone. "You didn't argue. You didn't hurt her. Nothing happened, but she left?" 

"She didn't leave me. She's just gone," Liam said hoarsely. He sat back down, folded his arms on the table and put his head down on them. He’d forgotten about the puddle of beer and his elbows were soaked.

Noel narrowed his eyes. "What's the difference? Left. Gone. What do you mean, gone? Are her things still there? I didn't see them."

"She's just...gone," Liam murmured into his arms, shrugged his shoulders.

"See? This is you all over. You know what I mean? You never do anything, do you? Things just happen to you," Noel said, shaking his head.

Liam sat up straight and glared at him.

"I _didn't_ do anything!" he insisted. "You fucker. You think you know everything, don't you? You don't fucking know Debbie. And you don't know me."

"Don't I?" Noel opened his eyes wide with feigned innocence, his lips curving into a cruel little smile.

"You fucking don't!" Liam exclaimed, bringing his fist down hard on the kitchen table. The cutlery rattled and Noel’s beer can rolled to the floor with a tinny rattle.

"Don't I know me own brother? I know you inside and out, me," Noel said, giving him a meaningful look. "I know you better than you know yourself, right? I know what you'll do before you fucking know it."

"Oh, shut up! Shut up!" Liam grabbed a discarded fork and held it out like he meant to stab Noel with it. 

Noel just laughed out loud and reached over to put his hand over Liam's wrist, twisted it sharply. His hand went limp and the fork clattered to the table.

“I made you, right?" Noel said softly, almost seductively. His voice sent a chill through Liam’s body. "I didn't give birth to you...but the rest was me. Everything you are...down to me…"

Liam just blinked at him. "You're a fucking...fucking lunatic."

"I played you like a puppet from day one."

"Played me…?" Liam laughed. " _You_ played me?"

"Like a fucking puppet," Noel repeated smugly.

"The fuck you played me!" Liam shouted. "I got your number all along, you cunt. I knew your game. Like how you were hot for me. You were always hot for me. Even when you when...even after you stopped...Like how for fucking years before Oasis was over you couldn't even look at me because you were gagging for it, right? That's why it was over with Sara that one time, right? You know. Damned if you do, damned if you don't."

Noel just sat there, his mouth gaping open. He looked at Liam and then away. He was very angry, Liam realised, but he was struggling to contain it. He wanted to tell him to let go. He wanted to see the extent of it, to experience the glorious destruction of a full on run-in. Fucking Hiroshima and Nagasaki. He wanted it after all. He had to admit, he'd wanted this as much as he'd wanted the sex.

"It was over with Sara because you made me so fucking miserable I almost lost the one good thing I had..." Noel said at last.

Liam grimaced. "The one good thing…Me!" He stabbed his chest with his thumb. "I was the one thing you had! And you picked her, right? You fucking dropped me like I was garbage, right? No explanation. Just...radio silence."

Noel rolled his eyes and then reached over to take Liam’s beer. He drained it in one go, crushed the can in one hand. 

"What was there to explain?” he asked quietly. “You needed me to hold your hand? Tell you it's not you, it's me? Let's still be friends? This sort of thing doesn't need to be explained, Liam."

"Don't it? Cause I'm your brother you don't have to treat me like I'm a person?" Liam spat. He leaned forward, all the forward, his face right up against Noel's. "That's how you do, though, ain't it? You rearrange stuff to suit your story, right? Like you done with Meg and Sara. And when that was settled you took it back. What was it you said? You waited? You fucking waited till after your divorce to fuck her? Like you didn't fuck her that same night on Ibiza. I never hated Sara, man. No, man...I pitied her."

"Pity? Is that what you're calling it?" Noel asked.

"You fucking used her," Liam said. "You used her to get away from Meg and the baby. You used her to get away from me. Wasn't that easy though, was it? Getting away from me. Harder than giving up the drugs."

"Is that what you think?" There was a hardness in Noel's voice. Liam could feel the build up. Any minute now his composure was going to crack. He just needed to push him a little harder.

"Yeah, that's what I think,” Liam said confidently. “Cause maybe you’d not touched me in years but you still came crawling back to me, right? In Paris. You still begged me for it, didn't you? Didn’t you? Yeah, you can't lie to me. I was fucking there. I gave it you so good you fucking cried." 

"That's what happened, eh? I just couldn't resist you?" Noel laughed. 

"That's right," Liam said simply.

Noel shook his head, pity stamped all over his face. "That was goodbye, that. That night. That's what it was. Goodbye. And the fight the next day. That was goodbye, too."

His eyes were distant, like he was recalling it. His face went soft, very soft, coloured with a kind of sadness.

"What're you...what d'you...d'you mean?" Liam stuttered.

"I mean I know you didn't start that fight on purpose because I started it. I invited those journos backstage. I smashed up your guitar. And you played along so beautifully," Noel said. 

"You're a liar. You've always been a fucking liar," Liam said weakly. 

"Why would I lie about this? Hmm?" Noel asked. "What good would that do? I didn't have to tell you any of it. It's the truth. I told you because..." he let the words trail off into nothingness.

Liam struggled to remember Noel's exact words. "You simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer," he quoted. "Is that right? You're a cunt. You're a...a...a...fucking monster. And your wife's worried I'm a bad influence on you? You're the one she should be worried about. You fucking psycho!"

Liam sprang to his feet, kicked at Noel’s chair under the table. Noel rose, squared his shoulders like he was getting ready for a real fight. Then he dropped them again in resignation.

"Nevermind my wife. This isn’t about her. I make sure she’s happy as can be, believe you me. The only problem she's got is my crazy, jealous younger brother who can't get over his fucking obsession with me."

"I’m obsessed? You're the one ended up back here with me, right?" Liam said. "On me fucking doorstep. Still pretending like you could take me or leave me. But I could smell the desperation on you, couldn't I? Even out there, in the field. You stink of it."

"That’s what you think, eh?" Noel asked softly.

"Fuck yeah, that’s what I think. You kiss like you’re coming off the world’s longest dry spell. Like I'm the first fuck you've had in fucking years. Now the kids are here she don't spread ‘em half as wide, do she?"

"There are more important things, Liam,” Noel said tartly.

"What things? What important things? All your clothes match and you go on holiday with the cool kids. You look good together. Nevermind the bollocks, eh? As long as it looks right. Well, she's a liar and you're a liar, and that. I reckon like finds like, don't it?"

"This is why all your marriages fail. You’ve got your priorities all wrong. You just can't keep it in your pants, can you? What did you do? Impregnate another one? Did she stop putting out? Is that why you started texting me again? You’re so fucking predictable. I know all about you, me." Noel tilted his head to one side, his mouth a thin line. He looked tired.

“That’s not what it was. Nothing fucking happened. I don’t need a reason to text my blood. Think you know me? You know fuck all,” Liam said. “Why do you give a shit what happened, anyway? What difference does it make if all you’re going to do is go back home to that witch and leave me again?”

“Look,” Noel said in irritation. “You’re asking all the wrong questions. You’re missing the whole point.”

“What point? There ain’t no fucking point. So don’t try telling me some story, cause you can’t play me no more.” 

"Ask me why I came here," Noel said, a challenging expression on his face. 

"I don't care," Liam said firmly. He gripped the back of his chair hard, his knuckles were turning white. Noel took a step forward, his hands open, palms up like he was showing him he was unarmed. Liam didn’t care, he trusted him about as far as he could throw him.

"Yes, you do, ask me. Ask me: Noel, why are you here?"

“I said I don’t care!”

“Just ask!”

"Are you deaf?" Liam spat. "I don't give a fuck why you say you're here! You're a liar."

"Just fucking ask me!" Noel insisted, his voice thin and high.

Liam imagined driving his fist into Noel's smug face, shattering every bone. He knew exactly how it would feel to split his lip. His stomach prickled with excitement and disgust. He was still holding onto the back of his chair.

"Go on and ask me, Liam,” Noel said, his voice suddenly dipping low, soft as velvet.

It was the gentleness in Noel's voice that finally pushed him off the edge. Liam picked up the chair, held it over his head and then hurled it to the ground. It lay there like a dying animal, splintered and lopsided. Noel stood there blinking, his fists curled into balls. Liam couldn't seem to catch his breath, his chest felt so tight he wondered if his heart was giving out. 

"I don't give a fuck what you do," Liam said at last, his voice thick with anger. "Just stay the fuck outta my face."

Liam went out into the garden and pulled out his cigarettes. His hands were shaking so badly he dropped the first two fags before he managed to light one. The nerve of that cunt. To come into his house, into his bed and then say those things. To let everyone in the world believe it had all been Liam's doing when he'd planned it all. Every last detail of it. Probably with that witch making comments as he did. All the same, he couldn't forget the way Noel had touched him that last night in Paris. The way he'd spoken his name, so tenderly it brought a lump to his throat. Over and over again, like the chorus in that sad ballad that was their theme song. That part wasn't a lie. Noel always acted like he was above it all, but he wasn't. Noel said nothing was ever Liam's fault, he just reacted to things that happened to him but Noel always acted like Liam was an affliction. Like a blizzard or an electric shock, a car crash, instead of admitting he'd chosen this. He'd played a part in it. He'd initiated it again and again. He was here now, wasn't he? _You’re not asking the right questions. Ask me: Noel, why are you here?_ Liam lit another cigarette and tried to pull himself together. He wished to God he’d asked the question.

It was pitch black out by the time he finally went back in. His throat was a bit sore from smoking too much. Noel was still there, Liam knew it at once even before he heard the sound of strumming. He was sat on the floor in the music room, surrounded by every guitar Liam owned. Liam could feel him ignoring him. The pointedness of it. Sharp as a knife. It didn't matter how much time passed, there was nothing worse than Noel ignoring him. Nothing. Noel tightened the A string and tested it.

"Fuck," Noel murmured under his breath to himself, then tightened the string a bit more.

"I'm too hard on them, I know. That one's me favourite," Liam said quietly.

Noel didn’t look up, he played a few chords. When he was happy with the sound he set the instrument aside, then he picked up the next guitar. It was an expensive one, custom-made; Debbie had given it to him for his birthday one year. He'd never even played it before. Liam leaned against the doorframe, watched as his brother tuned it patiently and then started to play, just strumming at first, and then he launched into a song, sort of mumbling it like he was struggling to remember the words. 

Liam wanted to ask if it was new, but then he recognised it. A Dylan tune, one of the later ones, full of melancholy and despair over the passing of time. Liam could feel it in his chest, a tightness, an ache that made him want to scream: look at me! Say something! He didn't, though, because that was a sure-fire way to make Noel angry.

Noel's voice was still beautiful and clear, unravished by time and abuse. His face was always so serious when he sang. Like everything else just fell away, everything else he was, and there was only the song. Liam could relate. On a good day, he was the same. Noel stopped singing and tightened the strings again, tested each one. 

"It's still got the store shine on," Liam explained. 

Noel strummed the beginning of “Wonderwall”, grimaced and then set the guitar down and stood. Liam squelched that panicked feeling in his stomach, his gut telling him time had run out and Noel was finally leaving.

"There's still Lennon's one, you know,” Liam said, striving for nonchalance. "In the...the...his room."

Noel's gaze flicked over Liam's face briefly and then he rose and followed him to the guest room Lennon used when he slept over. He walked straight over to the guitar Liam had bought for his elder son and lifted it out of the case reverently, ran his thumb over the glossy blonde finish. He sat down on the bed and cradled the instrument in his lap for a moment before looking up. He looked up, past Liam as if he weren't there at all, and then he puffed up his cheeks, blew out his breath wearily and got to work tuning the thing. 

Liam pretended to inspect the bookshelf, ran his finger over the spines of volumes Lennon or Gene had left. They'd left records, too. Velvet Underground, Stone Roses, _MTV Unplugged in New York_. Liam pulled that one out and pretended to examine the photo of Kurt Cobain on the cover sat in the middle of all those flowers and candles in his ugly cardigan. Something clattered to the ground and Liam bent to pick it up. It was a CD. Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds’ _Chasing Yesterday_. Liam wondered which one of the little pricks had bought the thing—probably just to piss him off. He imagined them listening to it here, in their own father's house. He felt a mix of annoyance and pride.

Noel finished tuning and just sat there, stroking the strings with his thumb, a thoughtful expression on his face. Liam set the CD down on the dresser where the lads could see it next time they visited. When he looked back at Noel he had fished a silver sparkle plectrum out of the guitar case and let it dance over his fingers, once and then again. Show-off. For the first time Liam noticed that he was wearing his wedding ring. He couldn't remember seeing it before this moment. Noel's eyes were fixed on Liam, his expression closed off. And Liam wanted him to leave and he wanted him to stay. He wanted him to say something, anything. Shout at him, call him names, anything but this silence. He wanted to crawl into his arms and put his face in the space between Noel's neck and shoulders, inhale deeply, eyes shut. To will them back to a simpler time. He wanted to touch him. He wanted to make him come again. Seemed like that was the only time things ever made sense between them.

Liam was standing there, trying to decide if he should say something or keep playing along, when Noel started to strum. He remembered the first time Noel ever played this song, his song. He thought he was going to expire with pride. Everything always sounded different when Noel sang it. There was a deep melancholy to his voice. Everything he sang was tinged with regret. He turned Liam's sweet love song into something else entirely, something that undid him completely. Liam didn’t like to admit that. He could admit almost anything but not that. 

Blew my head off. That's what Noel said when he first heard it. He couldn't believe Liam had written it. At the time Liam had felt a little insulted by that. Like he didn't think Liam had it in him. Now he remembered the wonder in Noel's voice, how he'd wished he'd thought of it. He went on strumming longer than the song went, turning it his own thing. _Never felt this love from anyone. Never felt this love from anyone._ It was a lament in Noel's hands. Liam had forgotten what it felt like to watch his brother work, how proud and envious and filled with wonder it made him feel. Noel stopped abruptly, tilted his head to one side and shrugged one shoulder awkwardly, as if he was embarrassed. Then he set the guitar aside.

"Time for my beauty sleep," Liam said after a moment. 

He moved towards the door and Noel rose and followed him hesitantly, Liam was near delirious with relief when he saw it. He stepped out into the hall. It took a second before he realised Noel wasn't going to follow him. He caught Noel's eyes for a moment before he shut the door firmly without so much as a goodnight.

Liam kicked the door once hard before he managed to stop himself. He was so furious he was shaking, anger peppered with longing. His stomach felt like lead. He got ready for bed in a haze of distraction, washed his teeth so thoroughly his gums bled. In bed, he lay under the covers twitching like a junkie in withdrawal, his mind too jumbled to focus on sleep. He could feel Noel several rooms down, could sense that he was awake too. Like when they still shared a room in Burnage and he'd lie there, hyper-aware of Noel's every movement. He'd hear Noel's heartbeat loud as anything in his ears, as though they were pressed against each other instead of in separate beds. He heard Noel's heartbeat now, rapid and irregular and loud as thunder, filling Liam's head, making it impossible to sleep.

For ages Liam just lay there, not really awake and not really sleeping, going over everything they had said and trying to decide if he really felt angry or if that was just the default when it came to Noel. He felt betrayed, that's how he felt. He'd taken certain things for granted, and as usual, Noel had swept it all away with a few choice words. _You’re not asking the right questions. Ask me: Noel, why are you here?_ He couldn’t say all that and then go back to being sweet. He didn’t get to call all the shots. Not anymore.

There was a place between waking and dreaming, somewhere dark and loud and smoky. Liam felt himself slide into it, all the way in. It felt like drowning in warm liquid. Like choking on your own sick. He could feel the rain on his head, dripping into his ears. His shoes were soaked but he was still in bed. A car stopped a few inches away from him, he could hear the tires against wet asphalt, and over everything the incessant beat of Noel's heart. The car door opened and Liam gripped the duvet cover in his damp fists. The scratch of a leather sole on pavement. He looked up. It was too hot so he kicked off the covers, his skin was strangling him. He just needed it to stop. Just for a moment. It was too loud in his head. Just stop. Noel's lips were curled into a mocking little smile. He was wearing sunglasses even though it was dark out. The lenses were mirrored. Liam wanted to see Noel's eyes, to know where he stood, but all he could see was his own reflection in the silver glass. 

"Hello, brother," Noel said calmly. "Long time no see."

Just stop.

The beating in Liam's head came to a shuddering halt. He was wide awake now, struggled to pull away from the shadowy clutches of his half-dream. He scrambled from the bed, his head still muddled, and ran out into the hall. His T-shirt was soaked with sweat, his hair plastered to his face. It was just tinnitus, wasn't it, that heartbeat in his head? Sometimes he heard ringing or buzzing. Sometimes he heard music, faint and out of reach. He couldn't really hear Noel's heart. It wasn't fucking magic. Then why was his stomach heaving with fear now that it had stopped? He ran down the hall towards the guest room in his boxers, T-shirt and bare feet. Noel would be angry, of course, when he burst into the room in the middle of the night, but Liam didn't give a shit. 

The door to the guest room was wide open. The duvet cover was on the floor. Liam stood in the doorway just staring at the empty bed. Was Noel gone? Gone like Debbie was gone. Liam shut his eyes. The image of Noel stepping out of the car, that tight-lipped smile, the silver sheen from his sunglasses, burned behind his eyelids. Where did the dream end and reality begin? 

The possibility that Noel might just have gone to the bog only occurred to him when he heard the sound of the toilet flushing. He shuffled back out of the room awkwardly, feeling a bit foolish, ran a hand through his hair. Noel was just turning the corner, looking sleep-rumpled and bemused. For a moment everything stood still and they just stared at each other. Then he walked straight into Noel's arms. 

Liam bent his head, pressed his ear against Noel's chest. And there it was, that familiar heartbeat, as strong as ever. He shuddered with relief. Noel put his hand on the back of Liam's neck, his breath huffed out heavily. Was he still angry with Noel? He couldn't remember. He could barely remember where he was. He straightened, rubbed his cheek against Noel's. Noel slid his hand up, curled his fingers in his hair. He ran his lips over Liam’s face blindly, like he just couldn’t help himself. Then he put his lips on Liam’s, sighed and slipped his tongue into Liam’s mouth without further hesitation. It felt as inevitable as breathing. He moved forward, pushing Liam as he walked, still kissing him, driving him back into the guest room, like they were dancing a slow, awkward tango. Liam pressed close to feel his brother's erection, so solid through the thin cotton of his boxers. His stomach plummeted with relief and arousal. No matter what, it always came back to this. When they crossed the threshold into the room, Noel slipped in ahead of him, grasped Liam's hand and pulled him to the bed. He wrapped Liam’s arms around him so Liam was embracing him from behind, clasped his hands over his heart. Liam leaned in, his lips brushed the shell of Noel’s ear. He wanted to whisper something soft and loving and true, but no words came. Then Noel pushed his arse against Liam's groin deliberately, just once, quick as a flash, barely a nudge. Lust pulsed through Liam, a wave of lust so excruciating, so strong he felt sick. Noel fell face down onto the mattress pulling Liam along on top of him. And oh God, he knew what this was. 

Liam moved his lips against Noel's neck, up, up, sucked his earlobe gently. He slid his hands up Noel's arms, gripped his wrists tightly. There was something clenched in his hand: a small plastic tub of Vaseline. 

"Fuck," he mouthed against Noel's shoulder. 

He pulled it from Noel's grasp gently and set it down, stripped off his own t-shirt and underpants and then Noel's. Noel was trembling under his hands. Like all those years ago, the first time he ever let him do this.

He didn't ask him then, either. They just slid together, awkward and hasty, Liam's thoughts all scattered and frantic and, oh Lord, this is real, this is happening. He'd tried to hold on to something, to stop himself from giving into the pleasure completely. As if he'd known, instinctively, that once he did there was no way anything would ever compare again. 

"Come on," Noel had urged impatiently.

Nothing ever compared again.

Liam moved his hands over Noel's back slowly, willing him to be calm. Noel turned, so that they faced each other. He looked so fragile. He'd lost that recklessness of youth. He could fool the world with his mask of confidence but this was the real Noel. Liam leaned down, kissed his lips quickly and Noel grasped his face, his thumb sliding over one cheekbone. His other hand came over Liam's shoulder, drawing him closer. There was a kind of insistence in the way he touched him, his fingers digging into the flesh. _Come on._ A pang of lust hit Liam hard in the gut and then another. Noel angled his hips hard against Liam's, let out a sharp sigh. Liam wrestled briefly with the Vaseline tub, got the lid off and dipped his fingers into the lube. He slicked it over his dick and then rubbed his greasy fingers against Noel's hole, ran his knuckle hard against that spot between his balls and arsehole. He did it again. Noel's hand spasmed against his shoulder, he ran his fingernails down Liam's back hard. Noel's breath huffed out raggedly, he gripped Liam's arse, claws out like a cat, and drew him downward between his legs. Liam hissed in pain, a kind of franticness unfurled within him. If he went off the rails there was no holding back. For a split second he imagined himself balls deep inside Noel, thrusting like a madman, splitting him in two. He wanted it, he didn’t care if it hurt. Noel didn’t care either. 

Liam didn't try to slow down, he couldn't, he pushed right in, pressed his face into Noel's neck. He could feel his pulse jump, feel the groan roll out of him when he thrust in. Noel held on tight as though he was afraid Liam might pull away, might slow down. Noel liked it when it was rough and sloppy and fast. Liked it when their bodies cracked against each other and he woke to bruises blooming on his fair skin. He never said he did, but Liam knew it with as much certainty as he knew anything. Noel was sprawled beneath him like a sacrifice, his eyes screwed shut, his head tipped back. Liam put his tongue against Noel's Adam's apple, licked it like he was going down on it. He could feel it vibrate beneath his tongue. He fucked Noel in short, brutal stabs, shaking with the exertion of it. Beneath him, Noel cried out in pain and arousal and Liam could hear the sound of his heart, loud and rapid and driving as a drum solo, filling every part of him until all there was was Noel. He'd lost himself entirely and was glad of it when Noel murmured his name, pulling him back into himself. Just once, his voice so soft, so sweet: "Liam."

When he came he saw lights behind his eyes. Silver and flashing, blinding, like they were on stage. They weren't on stage, though. They were in bed, skin slick with sweat, their breath stuttering out harshly, their hearts hammering in unison. He was inside Noel, heavy on top of him and Noel wasn't going anywhere. For a moment Noel was his completely.

After, they lay there in silence, Noel's hand soft against his hair, stroking it absently.

"For you," Noel said at last, his voice cracking a bit. He cleared his throat.

"Pardon?" Liam asked, lifting his head slightly. 

Noel looked gloriously shagged out, his eyes were slits in his flushed face. He rolled his head to one side, blue eyes watching Liam through the veil of his lashes.

"There’s your answer," he said hoarsely. "Why I'm here...I came here for you. Cause I needed you."

It was more complicated than that. Even Liam knew that. He rested his head against the sharp edge of Noel's shoulder and shut his eyes. "Say it again," he demanded.

“Which part?” Noel asked.

“All of it.”

"I came here for you, you know," Noel said. “Because I need you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Twinka for bearing with me through this chapter. It was a heavy one. I love you. 
> 
> The Dylan song Noel sings is "Not Dark Yet"  
> These are the lines I specifically thought of:
> 
> "Behind every beautiful thing, there's been some kind of pain"
> 
> "Well I been to London and I been to gay Paree  
> I followed the river and I got to the sea  
> I've been down to the bottom of a whirlpool of lies"  
> I ain't lookin' for nothin' in anyone's eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Cerberusia for her marvellous watersports fic which got me thinking they so would! Have a look:
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/20850638/chapters/49604369
> 
> Show love!
> 
> Thank you to Twinka my dearest. Because you really push me to be daring and think outside the box and just be a better writer all the time.


End file.
